I consider myself a very deep person. Everything means something, every question needs an answer and the complexities of life are very interesting to me. I don't consider this side of myself a bad thing but it can also be exhausting. Not every question has an answer, sometimes things just happen for no reason and that's okay. I say it is okay because I am still accepting it. I've looked through all the articles I wrote recently and like they are all too serious. I need to have fun and talk about things less seriously. Things like what exactly? As a young adult, this is really new to me. Taking responsibility for my life and the sorts. It feels like such a panic every day and I cannot be lackadaisical about the things that are important to me because my future also hangs in the balance. So how do i draw the line ? How do i find the sweet spot in between ?

I wish I was more carefree. I mean, I am but I am also very philosophical and this makes it hard for me to relax because instead of putting things to rest, I keep asking myself questions I don't have the answers to. I direct them to God but I find it hard to know and understand what God is trying to say even after I read my Bible. Is this what God is saying or is this how I am choosing to interpret it to suit my own desires? More questions. I find it hard to get out of my head and it becomes a tug of war within.  A cycle I can't get out of, I think. I also do this with other people, asking them questions because I just want to know their thought process behind the questions I ask myself. That's just how I operate. Would life be easier if I was carefree? If I didn't ask any questions or challenge the status quo? I don't know but for the sake of my mental health I have to let things be.

It's the illusion of control and trying to play God in my life. It may also be the lack of trust and wanting things to go my way all the time. Recently though, I have realized that it's okay to be both. I don't have to be one thing and it doesn't have to be either or. Certain times come and I have to put the things I've learned from the questions that have been answered into practice. Other times, I have to not take things so seriously or personally but all the time, I have to let go. Detach from the outcome and surround myself with love and laughter while also being full of love and laughter. Just like a baby learning how to walk, i may have to give myself more grace than i imagined.

Fun means entirely different things to everyone but the goal is the same. To feel lighter. I intend to laugh more, live more, and love more despite these conditions. That's the only way I would survive.