Lately, I've been thinking about how the friendships in my life saved me more times than I can possibly count. Our society places a huge emphasis on romantic love (with Valentine’s day being the highlight of the week) which i think is amazing and everyone should get to experience someone cherishing them through and through at least once in their lifetime but i can’t help but wonder what if we also extended that same sentiment to platonic love and fostering communal relationships?
There has been a lot of discourse about this on social media platforms, Tik Tok in particular and constant reference has been made to the book “ All about love” by critically acclaimed author Bell Hooks which i absolutely enjoyed reading and thought about for days on end as to how i was showing up in my relationships, both platonic, familial, romantic and in my community. A lot of us don’t value friendships as much because they are deemed not as important as other relationships. In Nigeria at least, the way friendship is viewed by parents especially when you are younger is not exactly empowering. Granted, your family would always be family but that doesn’t mean they are your friends. I know a lot of people who aren’t on good terms with their family and their friends become chosen family. Now, it may not entirely replace the relationship they once had but the key factor is the love and bond shared between them.
“Many of us learn as children that friendship should never be seen as just as important as family ties. However, friendship is the place where a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community.”
- Bell Hooks
My friendships have been a safe space for me to show up as authentically as I possibly can. They’ve held me up on the darkest days when life didn’t seem worth living. It is a huge blessing to be able to have people in your corner who really see you and at the centre of that is the love that lives there. Like I said earlier on, I've had my fair share of friendship breakups as a woman in her early 20s and I am pretty sure there would be a lot more in the future. Personally, I grieve them as much as I do my romantic partners and that is because of the value I place on my friendships. I don’t expect them to be perfect but I do expect trust, honesty, compassion and care which are all basic facets of love and which I am more than willing to give to those I love.
Our modern day communities are lacking love especially with the rise of social media. It is easy to hide behind a screen and make hurtful, derogatory comments on someone’s life that you have no idea about. People are lacking empathy and it is very dangerous for our community to do so because it trickles down to the society at large. We cannot do without love in the same way we cannot do without air. It is deeply embedded in our nature and our being. Upon reflection as to how I show up in my relationships, I decided that regardless of the hurt that may exist after it ends, I would still open myself up to love because it certainly is just more love that has nowhere to go. To love someone is to know that they would cause you pain and decide not to regardless and to trust that you would be able to pick yourself up if that happens.
“You know people say, ‘I didn't ask to be born.’ I think we did and that is why we are here. We are here, and we have to do something nurturing that we respect before we go. We must. It is more interesting, more complicated, more intellectually demanding and more morally demanding to love somebody. To take care of somebody, to make another person feel good”
— ‘Toni Morrison: A Writer’s work, 1990 (time mark, 5:40)
I always used to think that losing friends was a bad thing, that it meant i had failed in a way and i mean, the feeling of failure isn’t pleasant. I am now slowly starting to realise that is indeed not the case. Still, it’s crazy to think that someone I chose and who chose me back could one day not be in my life because of reasons far out of my control. I find that hard to understand or wrap my head around. They say you either grow together or you grow apart and I wonder if this season of my life is more about growing apart and making space for different forms of love to come in. My friendships have saved me more than any romantic relationship ever has. I cannot bear the thought of losing any more of my chosen family but I would remember that when I do, it is a form of growth and wish them well. I do not think it makes me weak that I cannot do life alone and that I am an over-lover. I think it makes my love thick regardless of who is unable to receive it. I’d leave you with this question: in the journey of life, which matters more? The journey or the company ?
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