‘Broken home’ in African homes isn’t the messy divorce process sometimes. Sometimes it is ‘My hut has got a crack,’ and Mama’s smile is the super glue.
We are talking clay-brick mansions with metaphorical cracks, and sometimes, literal ones after a particularly enthusiastic harmattan.
Broken homes to us were never about divorce, it involved separation sometimes, but the finality always hung in the air. Sometimes, it was the emotional drought when Mama's spirit was parched. It was the silent war where the battlefield was the kitchen, and the weapons were unspoken resentments.
It was the house where laughter sounded like a distant drumbeat, barely audible. Papa said ‘Talk to your mother oh.’ Mama said, ‘You people should advise your father,’ or stayed quiet and didn’t say much.
The African "Broken Home" Starter Pack
The Auntie: Forget family therapy; we always had that one aunty either from the family or church who came after the turbulent fight Papa and Mama would have that would resort to malice. Auntie arrived always with some kind of food. She arrived with a pot of Jollof and a lecture that could cure a stubborn goat. ‘You children, see what your father has done to your mother right? Your father is acting like a headless chicken, and your mother is looking like a wilted garden egg! You people should make her proud and marry well, succeed, and shame the devil,’ She would chant!
The Gossip Network: In the city, they have Twitter. In the area, we had the market women. News of your family's recent ‘issues’ traveled faster than a harmattan wind. You see them look at you with ‘ehya’ eyes pitifully as you come to buy fresh tomatoes. ‘That your papa self na wa oh,’ they’d say prompting you to tell them more. But how can you do that? Betray your family by gossiping? Never! You silently buy what you need and leave.
The ‘Pray It Away’: Sometimes, instead of fixing the leak, we just put a bucket under it and pray for sunshine. Which, to be fair, is a very African approach. The ‘Pray for your husband, there is nothing God cannot do. He melts the heart made of stone, he can change your husband.’ Thus would begin the Nigerian mother’s desperate cling to God and churches seeking a miracle to change this man.
The "Strong Mother" (and its Consequences): ‘Mama, you must be strong!’ Everyone says to Mama, while she carries the weight of the world on her back. We forget that even the strongest baobab needs rain. Her sons would grow to become keypad warriors on Twitter telling every girl with an ear how his mother was as strong as an Iroko tree supporting their house while being submissive and as such ALL modern women must be submissive to him. The mighty king ayamatanga.
Mama's Smile – The Super Glue
Mama's happiness is the foundation. If Mama's spirit is bright, the whole house glows. If it's dim, the shadows stretch long.
The Ripple Effect: A happy mother nurtures children who understand emotional intelligence. They learn that feelings are not weaknesses, but rivers that need to flow.
Love Languages and Marriage: A child raised in a home where Mama's joy is prioritized understands the importance of nurturing relationships. They are more likely to build healthy, fulfilling partnerships.
The Fear of Repeating Patterns: Children from homes where Mama's happiness was neglected often carry a deep-seated fear of repeating those patterns. They may struggle with trust, commitment, and vulnerability.
The "Good Marriage" Pressure: In our cultures, marriage is often seen as the ultimate achievement. But how can a child build a solid marriage when their understanding of healthy relationships is skewed?
Because We Need to Dig Deeper
We need to redefine "strength." Strength should not be at the disadvantage of those who wield it. What is strength when the spirit seeks a ray of hope yet feels suppressed? Strength should acknowledge emotions, process them, and find joy. Fathers, men, and boys need space to be vulnerable, to be taught to handle their emotions. We’ve been told they are logical beings. Was it logic when Papa beat the firstborn till she fainted because she didn’t warm his soup before serving him? Was it logic when he lost all his money to Forex and beat Mama up for it?
Community Support: We need to create spaces where mothers can find support, laughter, and a sense of belonging. The village used to provide this, but modern life has eroded those connections. We need space for fathers as well to learn and unlearn and admit they did not know it all and are overwhelmed. Spaces without judgment.
Challenging Gender Roles: We need to dismantle the idea that a woman's worth is tied to her ability to endure suffering.
Open Conversations: We need to talk about mental health, emotional well-being, and the importance of self-care for women as much as for men too.
Check in on the mothers in your lives. Ask them how they're really doing. Offer a listening ear, a helping hand, or even just a good laugh. Because a happy Mama isn't just a happy home; it's a happy community, a happy nation, a happy Africa. And to be honest, we all deserve a bit more happiness.
Even a cracked hut can be filled with light.
Thanks for reading. I hope you’re well.