We often hear horror stories about motherhood, but not so much about the positive ones – where mothers celebrate their journey and the joy it has brought them. I would hear people say, “once a woman has a child, she loses value,” and many other nasty things. But as a new mom, I can attest that is not true. I didn't lose any value, irrespective of the fact that I had a child out of wedlock. Society's standards are that one must marry first before considering having children. If anything, my confidence multiplied.
I am a powerful woman who has brought life to onto earth, something none of the misogynistic and sexist men I’ve heard talk nonsense about women can do. I doubt if they can even handle period pains given the opportunity, let alone labour pains.
The journey to motherhood
Confirming the pregnancy
I always saw my body as my first home because I live in it all the time. However, as I approached my 30s, I felt ready to become a mother.
It was December 7, 2021, when I found out I was pregnant. I had bought multiple tests and took the first one at home, but wasn’t convinced when I saw a faint line, so I went to my partner’s place for a second opinion. I took another test, and it gave a faint line. My partner was adamant that we were pregnant, and on that very night, he took me out for dinner to celebrate. A week later, I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy.
Discovering the weird symptoms
I felt normal until 8 weeks when I started having what people call “morning sickness”. I refuse to call it that because it’s not like I would vomit in the mornings only. Everything I ate came back, even in the evening. I was sold dreams when the doctor told me that the sickness usually goes away after 12 weeks. Little did I know what was in store for me because I had the sickness until the very last day of my pregnancy. During labour at the hospital, my partner had to carry a plastic bag in which I would occasionally throw up.
And no, that was not the worst symptom I had. I lost my sense of taste in the second trimester. My mouth tasted like metal, and everything I ate had an aftertaste. My mouth was full of saliva, and I was disgusted by the smell of toothpaste. By the time I entered the third trimester, I was so over being pregnant. I felt trapped in my own body, I wanted out, but there was still a long way to go, so I had to brave it.
Feeling out of place
Please do not be fooled by the pictures you see on Instagram about pregnancy. The glam only lasts for about a day, and it’s back to reality. Pregnancy is not easy as it seems. It changes your body so much, and you have to take it all in, which can be overwhelming, that’s why others end up succumbing to depression. It’s not easy waking up in the morning and hardly recognising yourself. Others experience swollen feet, big noses, pigmentation and many undesirable changes. I had acne and although I felt out of place, I was happy that my unborn baby was healthy.
First-time birth experience
I kept my pregnancy a secret. Everyone was shocked that I had a baby and kept asking how I hid it for nine months. Well, I am a Black Zulu woman, and in my tradition, we believe that pregnancy is sacred. It’s not something you announce to the world or share with people out of the blue. Unless, of course, they see you. Another reason I kept it to myself was that I didn’t want people’s unsolicited advice. When it comes to pregnancy, most people can project. They will fill your head with negativity based on their experiences. I didn’t want that. I wanted to enjoy and experience my pregnancy without any fears, and I did.
That’s why I had the most beautiful birth. I was induced and was in labour for 12 hours with no epidural. I wanted to feel the intensity of giving birth, I trusted my body. Every contraction gave me joy because I knew I was closer to meeting the love of my life. I pushed her out within 2 minutes, with no tearing. And I must say, we did pretty well for a person who gave birth to a 3,32kg baby. That is why I will forever be grateful to my birth team, Dr Baba, sister Nqobile and my partner.
Post birth
Coming back home, I had to remind myself that this body, which was once my baby’s home for 9 months, was now back to me, the landlord. However, so much has changed. The skin was no longer tight the way it used to be. My once small perky breasts were now huge and painful because of the milk. My stomach was black, darker than the rest of my body. I was not happy with it, but I refused to guilt myself or work extra hard to take it back to where it was. I wanted it to take the shape it desired, and it did. Twelve weeks later, I have sagging boobs with stretch marks that I love so much because every time I look at them, I feel proud knowing that they are the source of nutrition for my baby. I may consider getting them fixed when I’m done having kids, but until then, I love every inch of them.
Power to the mothers
Every negative thing I’ve heard about mothers was not entirely true. I thought motherhood was a prison, something to be detested. That after giving birth, I would hate my body and be depressed, which is not the case with me. I chose to look at motherhood in a positive light. Yes, it is challenging, some days are more difficult than others, but it’s the most beautiful hood I’ve ever lived in.
Motherhood has made me respect women even more. I see them as the chosen ones who can bring life to this world. Mothers possess divine power because every person you see on earth was created in a woman’s womb.
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Loving my new home
I never expected my body to look like it did before having a baby. I knew it would change, and with flaws and all, I don’t love it any less. If anything, I celebrate it and embrace every imperfection because this is not an ordinary body, it’s a body that carried my baby and made sure she was healthy for all the time she was in my womb. It is the body that works 24/7 to make sure my baby eats, to take care of my little human. That’s why I encourage mothers who gave birth via caesarean to embrace their scars. It is there permanently as a daily reminder of how powerful their bodies are. As the givers of life, they should be celebrated and not shamed.
I’m still learning to accept my new life and its terms. I’m a mother now, and my responsibilities have shifted. I’m grateful that God and my ancestors trusted me enough by allowing me to step into my higher power and create a whole human in this beautiful body of mine. With the support I have from my family (mostly my sister), partner and friends, I believe that I can still enjoy myself without attaching motherhood to everything I do and be a great mother to my daughter.