Please note: There is some content in the article that readers may find upsetting.

“To share my story or my take on why women are willing to leave? I think it's because our mothers showed us that we could.” – Amanda Tayte-Tait, Feminist Author.

When we think about women leaving toxic relationships or how to let go of an abusive partner, husband/wife or indeed any loved one, we sometimes think that it’s easier said than done.

According to WHO Multi-country Study on Women’s Health and Domestic Violence against Women, (a study which collected data on intimate partner violence (IPV)from more than 24,000 women in 10 countries), many women experience IPV. This is one of the most common forms of violence against women and includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, and controlling behaviours by an intimate partner. The research suggests that different types of violence often coexist; physical IPV is often accompanied by sexual IPV, and is usually accompanied by emotional abuse. For example, in the WHO Multi-country Study, 23–56% of women who have experienced any violence by an intimate partner reported both physical and sexual violence. 

There are several reasons why women leave and do not leave abusive or toxic relationships. For some women, like in Amanda Tayte-Tait’s case, they observe early on that leaving a toxic relationship is a welcome possibility because they have witnessed women who have done it before.

Tayte-Tait is a feminist, journalist, producer, digital marketer, blogger and author who uses her literary skills to explore issues of rebirth, feminism and healing. This can be seen from her latest book At What Age Does My Body Belong To Me?, which is one of the many symbols of her strength. Her book opens up about the pain of rape, abuse, silence, suicide and mental health, too. 

“My mum walked out of the marriage even though traditionally the family didn't agree, they’ve always insisted my dad be in the picture. Till today — even when I was supposed to go to college they wouldn’t help with my school fees until my dad asked for permission. Traditionally there's always been this hold where it’s like, you're your father's child even though my mum raised me throughout. She didn't stay in this abusive and toxic environment and that taught me that I could leave,” she shares

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Sometimes, people may not realise they are even in a toxic situation simply because they have never seen toxicity displayed that way before, and so miss the red flags within the situation or relationship. That is what happened to Tayte-Tait as she explains to Amaka about how things escalated in a past relationship. 

“I always said that I would never stay if I guy hit me [sic] and a guy did. But more than that, there's the one relationship [that] lasted about three years which was very emotionally abusive. He gaslit me a lot, he put me down, always made me feel insecure, and I stayed for so long because I had never been taught that that's also abuse.

“To me hitting was abusive. He didn't punch me [so] as long as he never laid his hands on me then everything must be fine. I think now that we’re learning a lot more (the feminist movement has a lot to do with that), we're more willing to step away because we [now] see a lot of examples of women who are not financially dependent on a man, which was one of the ways they always forced us to stay. Because you're financially dependent you don't have anywhere to go, you don't know what to do, and now we’re making our own money it's easier to leave.” 

Things became more challenging for Tayte-Tait when she found out she was expecting a baby with her partner.

“It happened when I got pregnant. He was a rapper, and sadly, I was working at the time so I was using my money to try and push his career. I was using my time to manage him, book him radio gigs, writing press releases for him, doing event planning for him. I remember he started shouting at me every time he felt like his career wasn't going well. He would put that on me saying, ‘You're not pushing my work enough,’ and ‘you’re not doing enough.’

“When I fell pregnant he said, ‘You see, you just want to ruin my life. You’re doing this because you want to ruin my life!’ That made me question why I was there. Getting pregnant saved my life. There was a point where I was scared to leave because I was scared of being that girl who keeps getting out of relationships, especially when everyone now knows you’re together.”

She reveals that societal perception definitely played a part in her reasoning for not leaving the relationship sooner.

“People have this look that they give you when you tell them you broke up. They say: ‘If he isn’t cheating on you and he isn't beating you up, why would you leave?’ Like he’s a decent guy and everyone thought he was a decent guy. So then he starts blaming me for the pregnancy; that was the light bulb moment. I asked myself, why am I working so hard for this man? I am literally pushing his career more than he does. I am doing all of these things for him and being there for him, and I don't even get the same support for my career or dreams.” 

Tayte-Tait pondered her options over her pregnancy. She lived by herself and was paying rent but her partner lived with his mum. She imagined what life would be like raising a child where she would likely bear the bulk of the responsibilities, and decided to opt for an abortion. 

“I was like we could have never afforded the child because I was making barely enough to afford myself, and that's when I broke up with him. Straight after the abortion, he disappeared. Initially he has started out supportive, but the morning I wake up [sic] and he just left and didn’t come check on me for the next two weeks. So I texted him [saying], ‘Let's just break up’, and then he showed up saying [I] couldn’t do this to him and cue more gaslighting.”

Tayte-Tait realised, like so many other women who have been in situations similar to her, that she had to prioritise herself.

“Honestly, it took me way longer than it should have. Every time I wanted to break up with him (because I wanted to break up with him a lot) and I did sometimes. He’d always show up at my house and say things like ‘I love you, why are you breaking up with me? I treat you so well,’ and whatever. That’s the deeper story and I wish it hadn’t taken that but it did and I learned from it,” Tayte-Tait ruminates.

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Furthermore, Tayte-Tait is the co-founder of Visual Sensation (an award-winning media company aimed at spreading awareness and positivity through media) and blogging platform It’s A Feminist Thing. While helping develop and disseminate digital marketing training, her endeavours saw her being chosen as a Global Ambassador of The Better Tomorrow Movement, Africa Innovation Week and as a co-founder of the Zim Digital and Social Media Award. 

Although Tayte-Tait’s story of walking away from a toxic relationship is a positive one, there are many more people in Africa and across the globe who find leaving a toxic relationship a huge challenge. Leaving a toxic relationship is not easy and Leone Nezi, a member of the GBV Prevention Network in Zimbabwe, lends some insight into why it’s hard to walk away.

“I think the first thing to consider is economic emancipation. What makes a woman stay in a relationship? Economic emancipation determines whether a woman can afford to look after herself (and her children). Most importantly, can she even afford to look after her parents and her extended family, because that's a very big factor in the African set-up.” 

In their 2019 paper, Why Do Women Continue To Persevere in an Abusive Relationship? Nurul Nadia Abd Aziz et.al define economic dependency as a situation in which a person depends on their partner or spouse for certain financial reasons to the extent that the partners are unable to exercise control over their finances. They state that economic abuses can take many forms — interfering with a person’s career, incurring credit card debts and withholding finances. This is more likely to occur when there is only one breadwinner in the family — often with sole control of the family’s finances.

Secondly, Nezi explains that due to better information dissemination around gender-based violence (GBV), there has been a reduction in the feelings of humiliation and failure associated with walking away from a relationship. 

“To some extent, [I guess] depending on the economic and the social-cultural aspect, there is a bit of shame but you find that people valuing their lives is now more important as opposed to sticking to the traditional and the cultural aspects of expectations of a woman in a relationship. 

“Thankfully it’s become easier to communicate about these issues. Now people talk more than they used to (they share information). I remember I was part of a project where women, even at laundromats, would talk about what they were experiencing, whether it is gender-based violence, its various forms, and how to address it. And most importantly how to tackle life even as a single mum or as a single woman.” 

Nezi adds that there has also been a positive rise in curiosity. “Women are beginning to question things. Back then, (and when I say back then maybe I would compare the late 1990s) and now and some of the studies I’ve also compared, you’ll find that questioning stuff was always seen as rebellious. But now, even having that rebel tag is no longer a problem.”

In conclusion she adds, and we are inclined to agree that, “There's a greater understanding that [there’s] more to life than this toxic relationship. There's more to life than what cultural norms or religious norms dictate. There's more to life than what cultural gatekeepers, religious gatekeepers or the duty bearers may dictate. Women are being empowered with know-how on how a toxic relationship can change the dynamics of an individual or family setup.”