[September 29, 2022]

WeWork Massachusetts Ave

It was Friday night and I suddenly felt more resigned than ever. After asking my friend Menal about an Excel data labeling assignment that I had made no progress on, I picked up the phone for a small reprieve. “Naa, some strange number called me. Can you call them back?” - Mom

My gut reacted before my mouth could, I’m most likely being fired ….. […………………………………………]

“Hi Naa, this is Madelyn and I’m calling to share that, unfortunately, your assignment at Pinterest has been terminated effectively immediately.

I was right, I thought.

Do you have any questions?

Too many I thought. The thoughts swirled around my head like a tornado. The tornado’s crescendo swelled at the temples of my head leaving me confused. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to laugh or cry. What the fuck was going on?

“OK, if there are no further questions, we will need to look at the off-boarding paperwork and complete the documents that I’ve sent to your email. “

All I could do was schedule a follow-up call to discuss how and who made these decisions. I knew it was simply another installment of corporate structural discrimination, targeting, and a case of pet threat.

[Flashback]

A memory of when I shared the news about my new role at Pinterest lingered in my mind. “So tell me Naa, what’s new? What are you up to these days?”

“Well, I recently started a new posting at Pinterest,” I said cooly yet excitedly. On the outside, I was poised and calm, but internally I was jumping and squealing like an excited 13-year-old. “Really looking forward to pursuing my interest in media a bit more, you know.” I continued…. geez I had more to say. “I know media is technically not as vital as the policy or healthcare space, but I’m particularly excited at the prospect of, changing how people engage with media through posting different perspectives as to why the media that follows us into our homes, our parties, our quiet times, our communities isn’t so innocuous…”

“Nah, that’s exciting!” Anna paused, “I will say though “Pinterest doesn’t have the greatest reputation with Black women.” An old friend slinked in behind me.

“Wait what--?” Before I could finish the what, the woman gently embraced Anna to also wish her congrats on the launch of her new book and accompanying book tour. I could not be more prouder seeing how all of us have blossomed but I could not help but wonder .. What exactly did Anna mean by Pinterest did not treat Black women well? Well, I found out. No less than 2 months after starting that role I was ousted quicker no less than a fetus could even fully form in the womb in retrospect, something was up! My mom said it, Dr. Anderson said, and a close friend’s aunt? Yeah, she said it. It was very much a set-up, nothing too concerned with my performance but before I knew it that initial flurry, or tornado of thoughts, quickly became thick cumulonimbus clouds (I dare you to google this type of cloud! It’s the biggest and worst one- it’s essentially the last cloud you would ever want your pilot to go through… so yeah, ish was real).

As September dragged into October then November, what initially seemed like a career hiatus became a scary dance with reality. I knew what was coming – the initial rumblings of S.A.D disorder were there—the low energy, the indecision over my friend’s annual Friendsgiving event, and the heavy sadness swelling in my temples. It became hard to act, I struggled to record a voice note to a friend. I recorded it 4 times trying to seem happy enough. I could barely think this was exciting, right? Why aren’t I more excited?

Ugh, why was I bothering anyway? I sat in the parking lot in November 2022 just hoping this was not my life. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, and later, shame. I wish I could have done anything to stop it. To change my life, in that moment, I wanted to be anyone else. My friends were working at Accenture or living abroad or taking on new fellowships or applying to med school or law school… you get the drill! Black excellence, right? The endless pursuit of success or racks on racks on racks without so much as a blip on the road, right? Not a massive-sized crater that threatened to take all four wheels off your car?... or de-center my whole person. I mean Being MaryJane doesn’t have an episode on this…. Surely, your life could not fall apart in ALL areas. Seemingly. Every. single one. Damn! But it was true, life seemed to be caving in after a 1.5 or so-long battle of feeling deeply out of my depth and questioning every single academic, career, and unfortunately, even every fiber of my neurons and synapses that made up my brain.

The internalizing process had begun. OH great, and my therapist was now transitioning to a different type of role entirely. What! She left me with a lot of tough love, compassion, and clear transition items – one of which was foundational elements of my life, my core, and this article- you should have it too.

 A wellness advocate who taught me coping mechanisms, she along with my therapeutic team not only triaged the state I was in but empowered me to engage in routine healing practices. Through this experience, I built a *drumroll please*

MENTAL HEALTH TOOLKIT

Starting in late February and March of 2023, approximately five months after my unexpected and abrupt dismissal, I met with a wellness advocate in addition to my therapist.

I struggled to get through my daily tasks, let alone the daily job application quota I had set for myself. I thought to myself this past March, “Even if the right job came- would I be able to cope?” I could not even stand the idea of another failure. Those fears seemed unending but here is a collection of mindset shifts my therapist and wellness advocate worked on me for the next 3-4 months following March.

 Small and slow steps. I hated this; I mean hated this advice. I did NOT have time the world was moving so should I…. I quickly came to realize my inflexibility and unrealistic expectations were leaving me beyond high and dry. I felt frequently incapacitated by the weight of my expectations and others! So instead, I gave up trying or spent days crushed on the things I did not do….

Starting in late February and March of 2023, approximately five months after my unexpected and abrupt dismissal, I met with a wellness advocate in addition to my therapist.I struggled to get through my daily tasks, let alone the daily job application quota I had set for myself. I thought to myself this past March, “Even if the right job came- would I be able to cope?” I could not even stand the idea of another failure. Those fears seemed unending but here is a collection of mindset shifts my therapist and wellness advocate worked on me for the next 3-4 months following March. Small and slow steps. I hated this; I mean hated this advice. I did NOT have time the world was moving so should I…. I quickly came to realize my inflexibility and unrealistic expectations were leaving me beyond high and dry. I felt frequently incapacitated by the weight of my expectations and others! So instead, I gave up trying or spent days crushed on the things I did not do….This brings me to my next point… What you focus on grows. Yes, grows. We have ALL heard the platitudes, “What you fear, you create” or “What you avoid, you run into” The mechanics behind those statements are attached to understanding human physiology and psychology. If your brain is impacted by experiences and those experiences help you form deductions about you and the world…. and then you repeat those deductions or stories until they become your self-beliefs or core beliefs those core beliefs become your self-esteem and your self-esteem affects your confidence…You see the domino effect, right? You need to mindfully acknowledge the good and bad and often focus on what’s going right or what you can hope for.

Give yourself equal credence to the bad AND the good! We have all experienced the dreaded negative thought loop but what if we asked more positive what ifs? Allowing us to fantasize about the good can be a good mood booster AND a powerful exercise in challenging what you deem to be “your reality.” Do this right now by taking five minutes to challenge your fears, do so by:

a) Writing to God or simply writing generally about your fears.

b) Write a response to your fears as if God or a loving guardian is talking to you. What would they challenge you with? What solutions would they give you? What affirmations would they give you?

c) Pray or set intentions about your deepest desires. Get real. Write them out. This is not the time to hold back! Holding back is a disservice to current you and future you.

Write them out. This is not the time to hold back! Holding back is a disservice to current you and future you.

Write out a daily log on your phone. After hearing me out, and gently presenting perspective shifts- we then worked through trying to build coping mechanisms or a toolkit. See the boxes above for different activities try pairing various activities for your next self-care day.