I had a conversation with God one night

About how to stay protected

The way into understanding his word was through getting baptized

Hoping this bond would solve my problems

I still felt incomplete.

Alone in the dark about what my life meant to me,

Was I living for the right reasons?

I was taught many things from my parents:

How to be compassionate

How to demonstrate God’s love

How to navigate the bible in my everyday life

I began to witness those around me

My foundation did not prepare me for victimhood or hypocrisy.

I have seen versions of love in many examples that left me confused.

I have seen life lived by people who claim to believe and have faith in God,

Yet their actions prove otherwise.

Abuse is not love

Neither is coercion

One night I broke down and told God I couldn’t live anymore.

I was unclear of how to live for him, live for my parents, and honor my life at the same time 

Years of working through my faith left me questioning everything

Failing my parents, and recognizing that the life my parents want

Is not the life I want.

I’ve sat front row in church

Convinced I could sin and still love Jesus

I felt betrayed by the church

Confused by my peers

Church girl got hung out to dry.

Nobody wiped my tears when they flooded my eyes.

Left to question my life in the dark,

Wondering when God would appear

And remind me that 

it’s okay

To follow my own path.

He will still love me even if others do not.

I told God I would always do my best

Even if I am the daughter of a preacher man