Recently, I came across Reni Eddo-Lodge's book that stemmed from her article on talking to white people about race. With the ongoing conversations that have been populating our feeds on the women's lives lost in the first few days of this year of our mother, 2024, all I could hear as I read through it was the similarity in treatment and how the men have taken the white man's place as our oppressors and killers.

Going forth, I have withdrawn all energy that goes into engaging men on the topic of sexism, gender parity, male privilege, and misogyny. I know it is a precarious situation especially taking into account that these same men are my family, friends and colleagues. Not all men, just the vast majority that keeps asking, “What rights do I have that you do not? Why is it that you women never want to take accountability for anything?” I can no longer deal with the glaring dissonance they display when they so brazenly debate my value, autonomy, agency, and right to life. The light that fills their debater eyes when a woman articulates their experience in the violent hands of men. The big English that flows out of their unsanitary mouths as they advise me on how to carry myself to avoid my life being the next statistic on the news. The courage displayed when their  ear canals get blocked, as if they are unable to hear me, as if treacle has been poured inside of them.

This emotional detachment is the result of spending a life unaware that their existence is greater than mine as a woman. Men have been trained, at most, to avoid bringing up the femininity aspect out of consideration for us. They sincerely think that universalizing the experiences they have had as a result of their social status and the "hierarchy of society" is both possible and desirable. I simply cannot sympathize with their confusion and defensiveness as they attempt to push the reality that not everyone sees the world the same way they do.

Since they have never been forced to consider what it means to be a woman in terms of safety and power, they view any reminder of this fact as an insult.  Women still need to put men's feelings first in order to begin the process of understanding institutional sexism. Their eyes enlarge with outrage or get glassy with disinterest. They become protective, and their tongues begin to twitch. As they attempt to correct you, their throats widen, wanting to speak over you without actually listening. They feel compelled to correct you, because like in everything else, they are better.

They may be able to hear you, but they aren't truly paying attention. Most of the time, they are just searching for ammunition to invalidate who I am and what I choose to do with my life. She claimed to be a CEO, then she must have slept her way up to the position. She stated to be a stay-at-home mother, then she only wanted to profit from the efforts of others. She stated that she is ABC, then XYZ. Always looking for a method to refute anything and everything that comes from a woman. Every time I speak and the words make their way to their ears, something happens to them. The words cease to sound after they reach the barrier of denial.

This breakdown is intentional. Not really surprising because they have known and been taught about women as the beasts of burden. The uncomplaining hard worker that should never be compensated and should always be at their beck and call. Never as an equal, with thoughts, feelings and individuality as valid as their own(unfortunate considering that even they do not have individual brains and are only using the broken collective one).

It is heartbreaking to know that if I respond to sexism or stand up against it, I might be the next addition to the ever rising femicide statistics in Kenya on this day. That the defiance in these inhumans does not allow them to see that their actions and words are enforcing and perpetuating violence and inequality by trivializing women’s experiences and in many other cases, ridiculing them.

Its pervasiveness stems from gender politics, which capitalize on its innate invisibility. As a result, I can no longer discuss sexism with men due to the ensuing denials, awkward cartwheels, and mental gymnastics they exhibit when this is brought up. Really, who wants to be made aware of a systemic advantage that comes at the expense of others?

I am unable to continue this conversation because we frequently approach it from quite different perspectives. If they don't even acknowledge that there is a problem, it means that I can't discuss the specifics of the issue with them. An even more concerning situation is when a man believes we are on equal footing and coming into the conversation as equals, even if he may be open to the prospect of discrimination. Not at all, I  say.

Not to add that I find it unsafe to strike up a discussion with stubborn men. I have to be extremely careful as the defiance and opposition increase, because if I show my frustration, anger, or exasperation at their inability to comprehend, they will pull out their preconceived sexist stereotypes about women who speak up being misandrists and angry feminists who are dangerous to them.  They'll probably then portray me as an abuser or a bully. It's also possible that their fellow men will support them, change the course of events, and declare the lies to be the truth. It is not worth it to try to interact with them and deal with their misogyny.

Every discussion about how gender inequality affects women and how they live their life is immediately countered by the “what about men and boys?'', and “some men are good” and the legendary “not all men”. This countering then so evidently brings out the irony and blatant lack of empathy for those who have been singled out from birth to suffer the fate of their nature.  Women really have to live a lifetime of self-censorship. You can either bite your tongue to advance in life or speak your truth and risk the wrath of others. Living a life where you are always allowed to speak and become angry when someone eventually asks you to listen must be an odd one. I guess it comes from boy’s and men's unquestioned entitlement.

I can't keep putting myself through so much emotional strain in an attempt to spread this message while simultaneously walking a very fine line and trying not to point the finger at any one male specifically for their part in systemic discrimination, for fear that they will discredit me and everything I have toiled to create.

I'm no longer discussing inequality with men and their support systems, therefore. I can set boundaries, but I don't have much authority to alter how the world functions. I'll start by ending the discussion so I can stop them from feeling entitled to me and my energy. Too much has shifted the scales in their favor. Even in cases when we converse, their goal is usually to demonstrate their power, convince me otherwise, deplete my emotions, and upset the existing quo rather than to listen or educate me.

I won't discuss inequality with men and their sympathizers unless it's absolutely necessary. I will participate if there is a possibility that someone may hear what I have to say and feel less alone—for example, if it is a media appearance or conference appearance. However, I'm no longer in contact with those who, to put it mildly, don't deserve it, don't want to hear it, or both.

#totalshutdownkenyaagain

#TotalShutdownKe

#EndFemicideKe