I look across the room, what draws my attention is the cough you got recently and all I want to do is walk up to you, get my hands on your back, and rub away the cough.

People tell me we have a great resemblance and what I need to have with you transcends looks.

I need to sit near you and have a great conversation with you where I get to see your perspective on life because I know that you are unique and you have a great story but throughout my 20+ years that has never happened.

Most times when I am far away from you, I have this weird feeling that something is wrong with you, I get my phone or any phone available and once I hear your voice I feel liberated of that dreadful feeling that you are leaving me.

I read a lot of books and I see, I imagine what our relationship could be like.

I want to be able to laugh with you, play with you, and get a great bear hug, and a heartfelt peck on my cheeks from you.

I need you to be my greatest mentor, my closest friend, and the person to show me what it truly means to love.

I started watching a documentary called SWEET 15: QUINCEAÑERA. It’s a Latino culture where the girl (the celebrant) celebrates her transition from childhood to adulthood at the age of 15. This celebration is followed by a massive party.

During the party, the girl enters the event hall and her Father takes her by hand and leads her to the dance floor together they get to have this heart-bursting Father-daughter dance. This has been my dream to be able to dance with you, My Dad in a room with lovely lighting and our pictures from years back (which we don’t have) playing on a projector giving us a sense of nostalgia.

Every time you ask me for a favor, I always strive to do it, both the ones you don’t ask me to do, I always find a way to make everything I do for you perfect because that’s the only way I am allowed to show that I love you.

I texted you on Father’s Day but it went unanswered and it made me confirm that you are not one to show your emotions; you put your feelings in a cocoon. The only way you show me that you care is by doing your basic Parent duties.

They ask me “Do you want to marry a man like your Dad?” It’s funny how I say “No” because I don’t want to just have a man I call husband or who would just bear the title of husband but a man who would be a friend and Sibling to me.

Dad, I know you are not one to let your guard down or be expressive but I hope and I have a dream that someday we will waltz and shake our waist to our favorite songs, talk from dawn till dusk, get to have a side-splitting and a heart cleansing laughter, get to play with you and have you advice me on who men truly are.

But

Most importantly, I want to be able to wake up in the morning, look you in the eyes, and without reluctance say “I love you Daddy’.