Death is a natural occurrence that every human will experience, we should make each day count and also cherish the people we currently have in our lives so we won't be left with regrets when the unexpected happens. 

I was in a church program when I heard about the death of my cousin, I couldn't process it at first, I could remember speaking to him some months back when he was on the phone with my mom and he promised to visit the next time he was around, that was the last conversation I had with him. I started crying right there after I ended the call with my dad who broke the news to me. I was devastated and when my mom found out, I couldn't seem to find the right words to console her. 

My dad said that we had to go get his body from the mortuary and bury him that same day because his immediate family members couldn't so I left with my dad to the city where he stayed. 

Being a medical student, I have seen several dead bodies but this was not just any body, this was my cousin's. It was difficult to bear the pain, that was the most heartbreaking and painful death of a loved one I have ever had to experience. I wondered if I as a close family member could feel that way, how much more my other cousins that were his siblings and even his parents. 

As time went by, we all gradually started to move on but  I realised my brain had processed the death more than it should. I started having this anxiety each time I thought about losing a loved one, especially my mom and our last born. It became more serious around last two years when I was traveling down to school, the thought of my mom dying suddenly crossed my mind, right there in the car, I started crying and I couldn't stop, people looked at me asif I just had just lost someone but how do I explain that it was just the thought of losing someone that made me cry, so each time I subconsciously thought about someone dying, I start to fidget, cry and pray. 

But there was this one time I couldn't forget, that day my sister sent a picture of my mom that she took, I looked at her picture and I sighted some gray hairs and wrinkles, I realized my mom was getting old and the thought of losing her came again but this time I couldn't breathe, I kept hitting my chest and trying to get air but it was as if I didn't know how to breathe, when I finally took the 1, 2, breathe in and 1, 2 breathe out steps I learnt in a movie, I busted out in tears.

Almost everybody gets scared of losing a loved one but in some cases like mine, there is an intense fear that sometimes leads to panic attacks. 

Like me, there are many people who have this anxiety about death and most times it is very difficult to control, it can hinder our normal activities and render us helpless.

In one of my conversations with Joy who  also feel the same way, she said  "I lost my dad to sickness when I was 19 and I can still remember how I felt that day, it was as if everything in my life came crashing, I don't think I've gotten over it till now because each time I'm told that someone at home is sick I start panicking, the thought of losing another close family member is something I can't bear, it is heartrending. I'll keep crying, overthinking things and I won't be able to do anything meaningful until I'm sure they are okay".

Few months ago, I was sitting on a bench outside the corpers lodge with Sarah when I brought up the issue, she told me "My parent had me very late, they are old enough to be my grandparents, they call me everyday when I'm not at home, they have played a huge part in my life so sometimes after ending our conversations on phone the thought of losing them seeps in and I get really scared". 

"I got to know about the death of my mom via a phone call so each time I get a phone call from home, It takes me minutes to answer, sometimes I'll miss the call and call them back. From the seconds it starts ringing till when I call them back, my mind isn't settled and I just keep saying God abeg in my mind and eventually with shaky hands I'll call them back then heave a huge sigh of relief after knowing they are okay and there is no bad news", Tonia had said to me on the phone while we were both sharing our experiences. 

Blessing, a fashion designer said to me "When I think about death or the fact that I might die anytime, I start sweating and shaking. The thought of it is so scary because I'm finally succeeding after so many years of failure so it would be so unfair to die now. This anxiety has made me make certain decisions that I shouldn't have made but I am talking to a school counselor about it and she has been very helpful".

Thanatophobia means intense fear of death either of oneself or a loved one. Thanatophobia can cause anxiety disorders such as panic attacks, sweating, stomach problems e.t.c. 

While researching I came across a lot of helpful tips that I've applied when dealing with my anxiety and it has really helped me, first was Learning how to spot when I'm getting anxious. This has really helped me to cope. Each time I subconsciously think about death and I start to get anxious, I quickly try to listen to music or close my eyes and think of something that randomly makes me happy. By doing so, I become less anxious and it calms my nerves down.

 Talking to my friends about it and realizing some of them feel the same way actually made me feel better. Talking about my cousin's death with Tonia and her talking about her mom's death helped both of us realize that death is a natural thing and that we were happy to have known the people we lost in our lives. 

According to verywellmind, religious belief can play a huge role in death anxiety as it could be a source of comfort to one's feeling about death, so it might be helpful to seek counseling from one's own religion leader. 

Lastly, each time I start panicking, I try to take a deep breath in and out and this makes me feel better. 

I'm starting to appreciate the gift of life more than death itself, I spend hours talking to my loved ones at any chance I get, I'm grateful for the gift of their existence in my life so I will stop trying to waste my time thinking about death since it's inevitable rather I'll cherish all the moments I have with them. 

I still ache when I think about death, but I'm getting better.