A Child is like a butterfly in the wind.

Some can fly higher than others,

But each one flies the best it can.

Why compare one against the other? 

Each one is different.

Each one is special.

Each one is beautiful.

~ from Taare Zameen Par (Every Child is Special).

When a black woman suffers from low self-esteem, one may begin to wonder how it came to be, tracking it down to its genesis, it wouldn't be much of a surprise when we realize that it was as a result of how she was being treated in an environment she considered as her safe space which is her family.

Growing up, one very rampant slightly noticeable habit that African parents exhibited was parental favoritism. In various families, this was displayed in different forms such as giving more attention to one than the other or treating a child better than the rest. One might think nothing of these trivial acts but this doesn't go unnoticed by the child/children affected and a child's perception of how she is being treated might end up playing a huge role in her life later in life.

Speaking with several black women about this, I have come to realize that one very common effect of parental favoritism is low-self esteem. These women felt so unwanted by their parents that they began to question their self-worth, they lost confidence in themselves when they noticed how differently they were being treated. Some even had to fight anxiety and depression and this sometimes led to unhealthy competition/rivalry amongst their siblings.

I recently came across a thread on Twitter where a young black woman lamented about how badly she is being treated by her parents. 

She came online to vent about this because she just needed to air out her frustration but how many other black women are out there facing the same challenges and are unable to voice out? 

Mary-Jane, a student of Ekiti State University, Nigeria, spoke about a similar situation in her family, she said "When my mom died, my brother didn't come to the village to bury her because my mother never liked him. My other siblings were annoyed but I kind of get it. Growing up with my siblings,  my mom never failed to remind my brother how he was a spitting image of my father that abandoned us. In her words, he would also grow up to be irresponsible like his father so there was no need to waste her time on him. She would only do things for him after the rest of us had gotten whatever we wanted. In fact, at that time I was glad I resembled my maternal grandmother. My brother didn't travel down for my mother's burial and even after my siblings called to beg him, he just sent money home and continued his life".

Dunni, a nurse at UNIMEDTH said "My mom had me long before she had my younger sibling, in fact as of 7 years she was still carrying me on her back. When they had my sibling, the whole attention shifted to the new baby that came, and for like the first three weeks they didn't care about me and it made me angry and I sulked for a long time.

One night I was angry and sat alone outside when my mom came to meet me, she carried me and this little gesture made me cry.  After then I developed a defense mechanism – I know they don't joke about my health so even when there is nothing wrong with me,  I complain so I can get back the attention".

Steph, a writer, and a researcher said she always knew her parents preferred her older sister to her because she was the firstborn and also smarter than her. 

To quote her "I think the reason why my parents prefer my older sister to me is because she is the firstborn and also the smarter one. My parents had my sister when they were on the verge of giving up so to them she was their little miracle, anything she does pleases them and they never fail to praise her. I had to work twice as hard to get compliments from them"

Beatrice, a UI/UX writer said she sometimes feels like a mistake. 

"I am the 7th and the last child of the family. My parents wanted a boy so badly so they kept trying. I once overheard my mom talking to her sister about how she would have aborted me if the doctor had told her about the gender of her child earlier. I dealt with low self-esteem for a long time. My mom is a good woman and I love her but I don't think I can ever let go of those words” she said.

There are a lot of women who grew up competing for attention and waiting to be treated the same way their parents treat other siblings, these women often grow up still wanting and competing for the same attention from society as a result of this. 

It is not unusual for a child to choose one parent over the other, however, it is uncalled for when a parent favors one child over the other. 

Speaking with a mother (name withheld) on this issue, she said parental favoritism was actually deeper than what it appeared to be but there was a particular situation that stood out for her. She talked about her friend whose second daughter was a sickle cell Carrier and she just needed to shower her affection on her at that time, to quote her she said "When my friend realized her child was SS, she devoted her attention to that child knowing fully she might not get the chance to spend the rest of her life with her. The child later died and I doubt if my friend regrets dedicating her time and attention to her while she was still alive". 

She further went on to say "Just because a child is more obedient, disciplined and prettier than the rest or looks more like a deceased close relative and has the same traits like them doesn't mean you should give more attention to them than the rest of your children. I always make sure to treat my children the same way no matter how different they are. Favoritism is mostly done subconsciously but I think parents should be mindful and cautious of how they treat each of their children so as not to cause them to harm mentally and emotionally "

 Although sometimes, favoritism might not be done intentionally, it is, however, very crucial to be self-conscious about how a parent or intending-parent treats their children as this might have a long-term effect on both the favorite and the least-liked children.

 Teen Parent Relationship Coach, Manasvi Mehta also said in her thread that the favored child tends to have an inflated ego, develop a sense of entitlement and depend on the approval of others.

 A way to curb parental favoritism is by avoiding comparison between the children. Another way is by treating them equally, not favoring one over the other, and taking unbiased decisions. 

For people who grew up feeling unloved or less favored by their parents, a way of healing is by talking to their parents about it and addressing the negative impact the attitude had or still has on them. Sometimes it might be a misunderstanding on their part and if their parents care enough, they will listen. 

As an adult, if you are not in competition with your siblings or if you are in a good relationship with them, you can talk to your siblings about it to be sure you are not making things up.

If all efforts to try and make your parents see what they are doing wrong prove abortive, create a boundary, and distance yourself from them. 

Not being the favorite child doesn't mean you are unimportant, believe in yourself and communicate your feelings to your parents. ~ Jennifer Coleman