Dating is an extreme sport. The most daring part of it involves offering a vital organ to another. But before getting to matters of the heart, there are complex determining factors for who is considered worthy of that sacrifice.

I am a Black African immigrant. Since childhood, I have been living in another African country that has a xenophobic climate. A crisis, I know. However, someone’s cultural tribe is still a non-factor for me. 

Nevertheless, when I was home in 2019 — Nairobi, Kenya, to be exact — I found myself all heart eye emoji for a man from my tribe. The two month long fling was at first thrilling because there is a magic that comes with being someone you share much likeness with. I could naturally switch from English to my native tongues. I could speak about my upbringing without giving lengthy back stories about my culture. Eating our traditional cuisine was normal. And sure, it sounds so basic, as I reminisce, but before this, most of my dating experiences required me to assimilate. I was liberated by the fact that I could just be myself, without judgement or explanations.

But I was still new to this and unaware of the small differences among people of the same tribe that can push them apart.

As we were getting to know each other, he became fixated on the fact that the region my paternal family comes from is lush and it is assumed that people who own land in that region are affluent. His family came from an area that is socially considered much lower than mine. Soon, this difference became an issue and conjured insecurities he had about not being “man enough” for me. I was perplexed because I never deemed him an unworthy candidate but he insisted that my family would.

It turns out that for my tribe, the region you are from is a determining factor for your potential partner. 

While this relationship was unraveling due to this seemingly small factor, I confided in my mother and she shared that when she was a young girl, she dreamt of marrying a man from my father’s region. Her childhood chores were made strenuous due to the landscape of her region. The landscape of my father's region was known to be so flat that if a snake raised its head, you would see it from miles away. Well, dreams do come true, and my mother achieved her childhood relationship goals.

My relationship goals, on the other hand, have never been based on such intricate traditional values. Most of this is attributed to my upbringing. I did not grow up in my country, so I have never been expected to be with a person from my tribe. Moreover, the fact that I have always been othered caused me to be naturally accepting of multiculturalism and diversity. So when it came to dating, I knew that my experiences would involve people from native tribes as well as those of other African immigrants.

With much advice, mostly unsolicited, from my mother, my aunties, my friends, and Black Twitter, I know which tribes are believed to practice witchcraft, cannibalism, or are bearers of misfortune. I know which tribes have men believed to be tall, infamous womanizers, uncircumcised, alcoholics, generous, lazy, or gentle. I know which tribes have women believed to be gold diggers, promiscuous, hard headed, homemakers, naive, or fertile. I know all these generalizations are built from other people’s lived experiences but they can never guarantee your experience with a person.

There have been three typical multicultural dynamics I have observed that can actually be crucial to your dating experience:

The first is the idea that one culture is considered more dominant. For example, when I am dating a native, my culture is usually considered lesser. When I am dating another African immigrant, the status of my culture in the relationship, is based on the social perspective of the African countries we are from. I imagine that if I was dating in my country, the social ranking of my tribe would determine a dynamic in the relationship.

The second is the value placed on assimilation. This one is a bit more nuanced. For example, when I am dating a native, I have been read for filth because I do not speak any of their native languages. So in this case, assimilation to their likeness is valued. Another example is when I have dated another African immigrant, speaking English without detecting our native accents has been praised. In this case, assimilation to Western standards is valued. However, one thing I have observed with African millennials is that although assimilation is common practice, there is still an expectation to be sentimental towards your culture and its practices. 

Which brings me to the third observation — tolerance. I am from a generation that thrives itself on advocacy, justice, and acceptance of all cultures, genders and non-binary people, and socio-economic status. Millennials are determined to see changes in the world through various means. Yet when it comes to one’s cultural values, there seems that some changes that are culturally considered intolerable.

For example, some people believe heteronormativity is traditional and are intolerant to any other idea of gender performance and sexual preference. Another laughable but true example is many first generation immigrant TikTokers expressing how they cannot be anti-capitalist because they were brought to another country to have the opportunity to increase their financial status, which speaks to traditional cultural values about taking care of one’s family.

Despite all these things to consider when dating someone of a different culture, the dominance of patriarchal culture and the gender dynamics it holds women subservient to has been my biggest concern. Generally, women have to perform domesticity and “good” manners in order to be considered a potential partner, not only for a man but also for their family. The endless list of tasks and achievements required for women to be worthy of a long term romantic relationship is actually tiring. The modern setting of my life has alleviated societal pressures to fit into the mold of a “wife,” but just from the basis of social commentary and Cardi B lyrics you know that not being able to cook and clean means you might not get that ring. 

I have often preferred being single because conflict resolution is not as easy as romantic comedies make it out to be. Yet, I have been grateful for my diverse dating experiences. Unlike me, many Africans from the diaspora have struggled to experience the small joys of being with someone of similar cultural heritage.

In 2018, Amanda Spann, an African American woman, created a dating app called CultureCrush. The app creates the option for eligible Black singles to connect anywhere in the world on the base of nationality, ethnicity, or tribe. The success of the app is testament to the sweetness of similarity.

In reality, there are endless examples of how personal differences cause havoc. Yet, it is unrealistic to think that being the same is solidifying. I have come to believe that the culture that truly matters is the one you intentionally create in your relationship.