Please note: There is some content in the article that readers may find distressing.
If you are dealing with mental health issues, please speak to your local GP or medical practitioner. Further information on mental health can be found on the Mind website here.
I knew I needed therapy, even before all the blood, the blues, and the bottles. However, I always thought it was too expensive and way too ‘glamorous’ for my problems. I couldn’t envision myself in the stereotypical role of patient (and therapist) that we often see in mainstream media. I couldn’t imagine lying down on a chaise lounge, lamenting to a white woman, with spectacles and a neat graying chignon, scribbling all her notes about me, my mess, and I.
Therapy had been racialized for me; the people who sought therapy and the therapists had always been represented as white. Based on my experiences as a Black person, you had to be critically mentally ill to get therapy. I didn’t fit their image of someone who goes to therapy, so how could they possibly understand me? Furthermore, what could my future white therapist possibly know or empathise with my Black girl grief?
There was a period in my life where others feared for my existence. Thankfully at the time, I found myself in a fortunate situation, where the company I was working for was willing to pay for three sessions of therapy for me.
I was also allowed to choose my own therapist, so I compiled a list of qualities I wanted:
- Black
- Female
- Shouldn’t be too much older than me
- Should be spiritual
- Should specialise in my specific traumas
- Ideally a parent too
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I found a therapist who ticked all my boxes, and we hit it off immediately. I felt comfortable; I felt held and seen. Due to our similarities, I felt like she truly understood the nuances of my existence. I felt like I was actually stepping out of the darkness that had been consuming me, due to her guidance. So, even after the three sessions that were provided to me by work, I continued seeing her out of my own personal finances.
I spent two years in therapy but my budget wouldn’t allow me to see my therapist frequently. I also was living between countries. However, when I desperately needed her, or when she needed to check in on my progress, we always managed to lock in a session.
At the end of 2020, I enquired if she would be willing to assist in helping me to navigate through the trauma I was experiencing in my life at the time. She agreed, and after reading my detailed text message of what was happening, she read my message and never replied. Taking into consideration it was the festive season, I was patient and then attempted to reach out again, and still, nothing — she ghosted me. I felt devastated by this sudden loss of contact.
A flurry of thoughts raced through my head: Maybe she lost her phone? Maybe she was ill? She couldn’t have died, right? Was I too much for her? Could she no longer stand the mess? What had I done wrong?
Why therapists may end their relationship with a patient
Although I felt confused, devastated and not ready for my therapy journey to end, the truth of the matter is your therapist is allowed to end their relationship with you on several grounds. However, they should always clearly communicate the reason why in a timely and professional manner — something that didn’t happen with me.
According to Dr Lily Brown, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, there are several reasons a therapist may end a relationship with a patient:
1) Insurance no longer covers the sessions — it may seem obvious but insurance plans and coverage can change, and that can mean therapy sessions that were once affordable are no longer manageable.
2) A person may cancel multiple therapy sessions which shows a lack of commitment to the therapist, and it will not help with their progression.
3) A person may not be as committed to therapy as the therapist would desire. Essentially, the person is not putting in the work outside of sessions to achieve the goal.
4) The person may not understand that there is a goal in the therapy journey which can lead to frustrations with the process.
5) The person may not buy into the idea of therapy which could mean the therapist has not been able to find a way to reach them, or the person is resistant to the methods that have been suggested for them to try.
6) The person may not be taking accountability that they are dealing with a particular issue. This can sometimes manifest as blaming others or blaming everything around them.
7) The person may not be sober. In cases of substance abuse, this hinders progression towards a desired goal.
Although it may be disheartening, and you may feel rejected, confused or angry, and want to ditch therapy altogether, it is important to be introspective about our own behaviours and attitudes in therapy sessions.
Dr Brown encourages therapy patients to find out the reason for the premature ending of the journey, and any other necessary feedback, so they can move on with closure and understanding as they continue their therapy journey, and on to a new therapist.
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"Was I too much for her? Could she no longer stand the mess? What had I done wrong? "
Moving forward in my healing journey
I had to be introspective; I figured that there were aspects of my healing that I was not committed to as I should have been. This is probably how that unexpected crisis manifested itself in late 2020. Although I did not get the true reason my therapist ghosted me, I knew I still needed therapy.
However, the thought of starting over was overwhelming. I had already shown someone all my wounds from my childhood, my relationship with my parents, all the rapes, the sexual assault, the abusive relationships, the toxic friendships, the abortion, motherhood, and all of the unhealthy coping mechanisms I had picked up along the way — now I had to do that again with someone new.
When I started looking for a new therapist, I didn’t use the same original list of qualities. I realised what I wanted, and had, didn’t equate to a successful relationship. So, I decided to meet a couple of therapists without any bias, before committing. The common denominator in all the potential therapists I saw was that they specialized in navigating what I was going through.
Although it took some time to find a new therapist, I believe I have finally found the right one for me. Every second week, I sit on a couch (even though there is a chaise lounge present), and I lament to a white woman, with spectacles and a neat graying chignon, who scribbles her notes about me, my mess, and I.
My new therapist is not afraid of my wounds. In fact, she encourages me to go deeper, so that they can completely heal. She is committed to this journey, as I am, and I have let go of the fear that she will leave before the end of this chapter in my life.