Netflix’s The Tinder Swindler has been making headlines across the globe recently — striking conversations between women about their safety while online dating. 

In an extensive global study, Kaspersky Lab found that 32% of internet users around the world are dating online. However, dating apps show desire, intimacy and companionship is not so easily available for the marginalised in society. For example, Tinder’s data shows that Black women and Asian men are the highest demographic for people to swipe ‘left’ on, hence rejecting them.

We look into the colonial demonisation of Black people, online dating safety concerns, and how poverty and systemic ideals are having an impact on African women and online dating.

History and dehumanisation of Black people

The overt objectification and dehumanisation of Black people has a long history in the Western world. Colonialism introduced troubled and negative conceptions of Black women. In his 1952 book, Black Skin, White Masks, Frantz Fanon shares his own experiences while presenting a historical critique of the effects of racism and dehumanisation, inherent in situations of colonial domination, on the human psyche. There is a double process that is economic and internalised through the epidermalization of inferiority.

Furthermore, in the 2012 book The Erotic Life of Racism, Sharon Patricia Holland asked, “What if that little thing called individual preference is the sounding moment for racist desire… How can one disarticulate a personal preference from a racist attitude?” Holland provocatively redirects our attention to a desire no longer independent of racism but rather embedded within it.

In 2018 Joel R. Anderson, et al., presented various studies that demonstrated how Black women are sexually objectified to a greater extent than white women, and that Black women are implicitly associated with both animals and objects to a greater degree than white women.

Nobody can deny the perpetuated dehumanisation of Black women. Society has a long way to go to eradicate prolonged and systematic gendered racism which limits human appreciation, attraction and affection towards Black women. 

‘He gaslit me a lot, he put me down’: Understanding Toxic Relationships 

Online dating experiences of African woman

In the Diaspora, women have shared their experiences on online dating platforms, and have revealed persistent feelings of isolation and undesirability due to gendered racism, misogynoir, fetishisation, and harassment. Dating app Bumble, which conducted a survey in 2021, revealed one in three people in the UK have experienced racial discrimination, fetishisation or microaggressions when dating online. 

In Africa, where Black women are in the majority, online dating experiences remain painfully similar.

These women share their experiences with AMAKA:

“I’ve gotten white and Indian dudes asking me if I can twerk on their d***s. It’s generally never anything serious with other races. Usually only Black guys want to take me on actual dates.”— Neo

“This white guy once told me that I had ‘b*****b lips’. It was supposed to be a compliment.”— Simphiwe

“I once bumped into this guy I blocked on Tinder at the kiosk by my house. All he did was send me d**k pics, and really nasty messages about how he would f*** me AFTER I told him I was not into him like that. I had to stop going to any shop in my area for a while because I made the mistake of telling him where I lived.”— Amina

There is a common theme of heightened concern around safety when speaking to heterosexual African women and African queer femmes who use online dating platforms. Major fears about being catfished are not solely based on the false online appearance of the person, but also that of false intention.

“I met this guy on Grindr (we’re all gay there, or closested, or whatever). This one time this guy came through in the early morning. After we were done, he pretended to fall asleep with me. When I woke up he was gone, with almost 15k worth of my belongings" — Nathi 

“In the township I grew up in lesbians got raped or killed (or both) as means to set us straight, or instill fear. So now as a bi city girl, I use all the apps, but I fear one day I’ll meet a guy who wants to harm me for being gay. What’s frustrating is that you are literally inviting a stranger to your place to be intimate — it goes against all the rules of safety. But how else am I supposed to get mine?”— Esethu 

Safety first 

Navigating one’s safety while online dating is challenging because the aim is essentially to get to know a stranger. In their study, Kaspersky Lab found that 57% of online daters fake a range of attributes, such as their names, marital status, location, and appearance. Therefore, it is hardly surprising that 55% of people have experienced some form of threat or problem while dating online. 

So, what are online dating sites and apps doing to ensure our safety?

For LGBTQIA+ users, Tinder introduced Traveler Alert which is a protective feature that hides a user’s profile, or conceals their sexual preference or gender identity, based on their location. This feature is beneficial to queer people who live in and visit the 69 countries that criminalize same-sex romantic relationships.

Many sites and apps share safety guidelines for users such as avoiding sharing personal information and being alert for odd language in messages or personal profiles. Several sites and apps also reveal they apply security measures, but will not reveal what systems they use. Essentially, it does seem it is solely the users’ responsibility to ensure their safety.

If you are going on a date with someone you met online, there are a few things you can do to keep yourself safe. These include having a video call before the in-person date (to validate who they say they are), meeting in a public place (coffee shops, restaurants or a bar with plenty of people around), and telling a friend or family member where you are going, and sharing your date’s profile with them. Just remember to be alert and trust your gut.

Should Culture Influence Who You Date?

The rise of dating apps

Modernisation has altered the way African people live, and connect romantically and sexually. Now, there is new found sexual autonomy for Africans, which is incredibly liberating, considering our history.

According to extensive research conducted on the continent by Porter, et al., in 2019, dating apps go against heterosexist gender norms. For example, women initiating a relationship with a man, or proactively seeking casual sex, which can be understood as an act of female empowerment. However, some African women have not been able to be truly empowered by online dating due to poverty (no funds to afford the technology or data to be online), and the dominant nature of patriarchal ideals (African men believing African women should not be pursuing relationships). Unfortunately, these systemic ideals and hindrances are obstructing some African women from pursuing and enjoying the relationships they desire. 

However, over the past few years there has been a social phenomenon on the continent and across the diaspora where women are getting into relationships (and getting married) later than the time constraints of cultural tradition and societal expectation. This is in addition to women becoming mothers later. Priorities on self-love and mental health, education, careers and personal hobbies and interests are taking precedence over finding ‘The One’.

Whether you meet your future partner on a dating app or at your next social occasion, trust your instincts and most importantly, always look after yourself first.