“I want to come to a wedding soon.” - A “well meaning” Aunt

“Your face is pretty, but a man isn’t marrying your face.” -Another “well meaning” family member

“But I thought men don’t like ‘big’ women.” -A man who liked my profile on a dating app.

Weird, right? 

In 2022, I embarked on a journey to better myself and better my health. After receiving some pretty scary news, I realized that taking the needed, healthy steps to lose weight was the only solution. I went with weight loss surgery and two years later, I know I made the right decision and I am enjoying the benefits of it and will continue to, God-willing. 

I had followed forums, watched  tons of videos before I started my weight loss journey and while many women alluded to it, I never got outright information on what to expect after losing weight in terms of dating. Apart from various studies, firsthand insight was not readily available. 

It never occurred to me, but the constant harping of this notion of being slim equating to worthiness for healthy companionship (or in general) had shaped the way I viewed so much. It also never occurred to be how much value I placed on male attraction.  

Now, nearly 200 pounds smaller, I have noticed my dating life has changed and I had to take a step back to find out why. It was what I had seen since fitting the various standards of beauty in communities I’m associated with.

Imagine constantly being ignored and overlooked for common decency and consideration on public transportation, in stores, and events—sadly, primarily by black men, and then suddenly being offered a seat, or being approached by someone who might be less likely to keep me a secret. The first time I had this realization, it hurt and it also made me more careful.

The lack mentality that is forced down the throats of black women, black women over the age of 30, and black, big women is very often the explanation for why very clearly high-level women are encouraged to settle. 

Every life-transforming step-weight loss, relocation, whatever it may be demands a mind and heart shift, and many times, that is the hardest part.  My personal shift forced me to look at what I want in a partner and what internalization of “advice” had done to what mattered to me in life. I had to look at this pedestal I had placed male attention on and I had to dismantle it, quickly. 

If I could go back and say anything to the woman I was, I would hug her, and tell her that she’s worth more than gold. I would also tell her to remember not to invite that “well meaning” aunt to the wedding when it eventually happens.