If there's one thing I hate, it's working with people, and I have a variety of reasons why I do. Evaleni, sometime in September. 

In my first year at the university, we were partitioned into groups for an assignment that involved researching and writing. I volunteered to write, being the writer in the group and thinking “oh, this might just be a piece of cake!”

But it wasn't.

Not only was the entire workload piled on my tiny shoulders and a meagre amount paid for printing the papers only, but my colleagues demonstrated a high level of apathy and did not submit their names until the deadline. So, look: I spent sleepless nights, my money, and my strength shouldering the workload of about eight people.

This made me aversive to tasks that involved working with others and led me to hiding when leadership tasks are being delegated. I think to myself during those moments: I do not want a repeat of what happened that semester.

But how long will I hide, or fold my skills into my sleeves?

In recent times, I have begun to redevelop the networking skills that totally fizzled out after my awful experience(s) with teammates, colleagues, and coursemates. It is a tough skill to hone, but useful, nevertheless, and must be nurtured tenderly, as one does to the other skills one learns.

I get nervous when I message new people. I am scared of what their reaction would be. Recently, after I was dropped after being shortlisted for an internship, I wanted to reach out to the person who had emailed me and ask for reasons why I was not chosen and the areas where I lacked that I needed to work on, but for some reason, I faltered, then chickened out. What if I had emailed? Was there going to be a reply? What would have happened?

“Stop wondering and just do it.”

I am working with a brilliant team in my content marketing course. We are creating a marketing campaign for an edtech company. I am allowing myself work without the fear of either doing too much or too little.

In 2022, for instance, when I had a smartphone that wasn't all that smart and went off when heated, even when I was in important meetings, I felt like the odd one. The one always saying, no, I can't join Teams. My phone doesn't support it. I am sorry, my phone went off during the meeting. I won't be available, I'll be running errands for my mom. My phone is off. My phone is overheating.

I believe, then, I got used to excuses. I had used them a lot. I couldn't help it, and it wasn't my fault. Because of that, I stepped away from roles that I wanted because I did not want to disappoint my employees by owning the phone that always goes off.

A lot has changed. I work better with teams now. I communicate my availability and lack of it succinctly, and own a smartphone that is smart enough to not go off during meetings.

*

If there's something I love working on, it's myself.

I have watched myself grow from a wide-eyed 17 year old teenager getting her first phone with her school fees to a still-wide-but-wary-eyed 20 year old thinking of getting a laptop and leaving home. Always the independent one. Always the one with a different ideology. Always the talented, smart but black sheep-who-is-also-a-closeted one.

My four-month plan is actually simple. But to completely reach my goals, I need a job.

The thing is, I am scared to apply.

Sometimes, I visit LinkedIn and find the wonderful stories of young people like me ticking off life goals, and shut the app. I feel sad, then.

I text my best friend.

His reply is that I shush. They have their paths. You're forging yours. That's why you dodged being moulded into a version you did not like. This is why you're here.

That is why I am here, right, loving my selfwork.

*

One thing I must grow to love is entry-level work.

Right.

This Monday I received my Virtual Assistance certificate and treated myself to something small. I also began a content marketing portfolio which I hope to fill by the end of September. I also started a WIP for my personal ghostwriting project. I also continued with the work from my team. I also talked in a group chat for the first time in a long time. I also feel like a superhuman. I also created this design for a mock Facebook Ad that I believe is cool. I analysed content from other edtechs, knew a little more about edtechs, and think that I would make a great analyst.

My slides look great (but they need more character) and my buyer personas are coming to life. For a reason, I feel like I am writing a story; connecting them together through some kind of thread—the linkage being their need for our product.

It feels great, doesn't it? I feel great. Don't you feel great too?