A global report conducted by the Body Shop in March 2021 revealed that 1 in 2 women feel more self-doubt than self-love, with 60% wishing they had more respect for themselves. The survey further found that women in countries like Saudi Arabia, South Korea, China and France ranked lowest in the self-love index. Self-love is a globally acknowledged need, however, before any person can walk in the sunshine of self-love, they must have a grounded understanding of what it means and why it matters. 

What is self-love?

Daniela Birch, an Akashic record reader/healer, author, and relationship consultant with twenty years’ experience explains that “Self-love is a state of being, where one appreciates, and holds themselves in a high regard. The individual treats themselves with respect, knowing their true worth and speaking about themselves in a loving and honouring way.”

According to emotional intelligence and dating coach Nyamey Selema Enang, “Self-love is the recognition of you — recognizing all the things that you want and need in your life.” On misconceptions about self-love, Enang said, “People tend to think self-love is taking yourself out to expensive restaurants or on expensive trips but that is not self-love, those things are the spillover of self-love. It’s like when you have an exam and you need to write and you study for the exam and you gain the knowledge to pass the exam, the results is proof that you studied and understand. The exam is not proof of the totality of knowledge that you have. So that is what the spa dates, and expensive purchases are, it is what ‘studying self-love’ has produced; it is not the totality of what self-love is.”

Challenges to self-love

If self-love were a tyre, there are certain nails that can puncture its actualization in a person’s life. Cultural background is one factor that can impede the practice of self-love. The Body Shop self-love survey revealed interesting data which indicated that women in certain countries struggled with embracing a healthy and positive relationship with themselves. Women in Western countries scored higher on the self-love index compared to women in other parts of the world, who scored average or below. 

In his Academic Textbook, social psychologist David Meyer explained that in countries where collectivism is favoured over individualism, people are more likely to surrender their individual desires in favour of what serves everyone. Birch supports this theory as she explained, “For example, Americans are often raised with a sense of feeling worthy and personal growth. They are taught to look within more than, say, a culture such as the Chinese, who are taught to comply, conform and do as the authority asks. This can deeply affect their sense of self, loving who they are and feeling they need to be perfect to be accepted. The teenagers and women in [these cultural settings] are seeking to feel free to love themselves, however, this can come across as being self-absorbed or selfish, which can be a problem.”

New York based Bianca Jean-Pierre, founder of SHEER, recounts how external factors influenced how she viewed herself. She said, “My lack of self-love was influenced by people and factors outside of myself. My therapist always tells me our mindset is developed very early on in childhood based on who was around us helping to raise us, as well as our neighbourhoods, [and] how we’ve learned to view ourselves (which impacts how we learned to love ourselves) was dependent on external factors [and] this can lead to a warped perception of self.”

Enang points out that how we have been conditioned based on our gender also hinders a healthy relationship with yourself. She said, “What I have noticed in my years of practice is that women and men engage with self-love differently because the conditioning is different. Women tend to struggle more to embrace the concept of self-love because to an extent we are conditioned to love outward not love inward…for women our value is in others, whereas, men are encouraged to seek self-development and growth. They are conditioned to see their innate value and invest in themselves, therefore men tend to find it much easier to choose what serves them.” Enang proffers an antidote to such conditioning as she explained, “As women, we need to get to the point where we understand that it is okay to love ourselves enough to not choose what the conditioning expects us to.”

Another factor that can hinder self-love is trauma, experiences that result in feelings of guilt or shame. Sharing more from her personal life, Jean-Pierre says her experiences with abandonment and rejection played a role in how she saw herself. She said, “[It was] years of not having a clear sense of who I was spiritually, what I was worthy of, and seeking external validation from the wrong places and people. I often found myself in unhealthy cycles with people and environments that reflected back to me the lack of self-awareness, worth, and boundaries I had within myself. As I developed a deeper connection with God, I began to unlearn a lot of the unhealthy habits I developed from abandonment and rejection trauma. I started to take the necessary steps to heal and be more intentional with protecting my energy and raising my standards in all areas of my life.”

Uju, a nurse, also shares how her difficult childhood eroded her self-love and impacted her relationships. She said “The absence of self-love makes you pick wrong, whether it is picking a romantic partner, or friend. You keep looking for someone to tell you and show you that you can be loved or you are lovable, but you end up bringing into your life people who treat you exactly how you perceive yourself. It took a number of broken relationships for me to realize this. I also realized that when I was performing to be loved, (doing and being all the things they told me if I was they would love), their love was still being withheld because they saw I was performing to please and they wanted to keep me in need of their approval. So you continue in this cycle of brokenness and frustration.”

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Self-love is the best love

If you grew up without any role models for self-love or anyone who talked to you about the importance of being good to yourself, you might question the value (or might not understand) of creating a positive relationship with yourself. Self-love is integral because it is the foundation which allows us to be assertive, to set clear boundaries and create healthy relationships with others. Self-love also allows us to enjoy the best loving relationships. Birch said, “By going inwardly to learn about ourselves, we will understand the benefits of honouring who we are, the importance of creating healthy boundaries for people and not accepting less than what we deserve. This invites beautiful friendships, committed relationships and a positive view about life.”

Enang shares some personal rules she has set herself through practicing self-love, “One of the boundaries I set for myself is that I do not use profane language — that is not language I use on myself ever. The second thing is I do not shout at myself, no matter how bad I have messed up or the mistake I have made, it never happens, instead I will have a full on conversation with myself, an honest breakdown of the situation and where I messed up. My ability to have those boundaries and enforce those boundaries with myself has helped me in my other relationships. 

If I do not cuss at myself or raise my voice and speak harshly to myself, no one else is allowed to do that to me, and I am not allowed to speak that way to any person in my life. Because I set these boundaries and live by them and I can see it is doable, I love myself enough to not cross them, and I expect the people in my life to love me enough not to cross them too. When someone does not give that to me, then I understand that person does not love me enough to respect it and that is okay. What I will not do however is put myself in a consistent line of fire to be violated or made to feel unsafe.”

As humans we search for loving and meaningful connections with others because one of our biggest needs is to belong, but a quality relationship with others stems from a quality relationship with self. Bade Momoh Awulu, a communications manager and relationship coach/matchmaker explained, “Only a whole person can love wholeheartedly whether romantic or platonic. When you love yourself, you are not only able to love others fully but you would be a better person for yourself and for those who love you.”

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How to have a better relationship with yourself

Two things to note about self-love, first, it is a continuous journey because the individual self keeps evolving, and the second thing to note is that self-love has practises. There are things we should do habitually as we journey on this path of loving and honouring ourselves. 

Ciara Lee, an American writer, speaker and award-winning poet, explains in her Ted-talk to police the people in our head. We must take notice of and then silence the critical voices that judge our every move and actions. Lee also encourages us to always speak to ourselves as we would speak to a friend we love deeply. 

Birch shares some of her own self-love routines with AMAKA, “Some practises I use personally and offer to my clients are mirror work where I look at myself in the mirror for 3-5 minutes a day and say positive affirmations to myself, while invoking the feelings of appreciating and loving who I am. Focusing on what I do love about myself and not my flaws or imperfections. Mediating and going inwardly to ask parts of me who I don’t love (the darker side of my personality) and journal what comes up. Then I send love from my heart to these parts which are often [the] wounded parts of my inner child. I set aside time during my day to do something I love to do, such as creating my vibrational sprays or talking to a friend who loves me. I also love to be in nature and wear no make-up at least twice a week [to love] the natural version of me more.”

For Jean-Pierre she shared, “Stillness is key. The more time I take to sit in quiet and step away from distractions to meditate, pray, journal, and really just reflect and process my circumstances, decisions I have to make, or just anything going in my life really, I can accept the lesson, feel my emotions, and move forward with clarity and peace. My relationship with God as well as therapy has also been major for me. I also enjoy listening to uplifting podcasts and guided meditations from Dr. Thema, Londrelle, and HINDZ to name a few.”

For those who may be having a harder time with creating a healthy relationship with themselves due to experiences with trauma, feelings of guilt or shame, or past circumstances, Enang recommends therapy and/or quality friendships. She said, “I am a strong advocate for therapy, getting qualified professional assistance to handle those fragile areas. However, if you cannot afford therapy build a circle of really [good] quality friendships that are honest. Have people who see you for who you are. The thing about trauma, depending on how deep the pain or trauma is, is that you can forget who you are. It is easy for you to see yourself through the eyes of the situation or the person that hurt you. It is very easy to lose your identity in those scenarios. So you need friendships that see you for who you are, not who they imagine you to be, but friendships that see you for the experience of you who you are.”