In the midst of strangers, I found myself having hearty conversations with these people, the conversation went on and then we discussed the lack of acknowledgement and appreciation of women's domestic labour, these were  amazing people I met at the passport office where i had gone to pick up my passport, but someone asked if i do have sex, I paused because I didn't know how to feel and what to say, I wasn't surprised because here, the belief is that if you are not a traditional woman, then you hate men and shouldn't be having sex with them.

I silently wondered how wanting women and men to acknowledge the risk and effort that women put into starting a family with men and in holding down their families related to hating men and not having sex with men, but more than that was the fact that I wanted to say, I have sex with women, not men, and I couldn't mutter those words out of my mouth.

And this is my new reality as I find myself loving women and being totally blown away by women. I grew up thinking I was heterosexual like every other person I saw, I had crushes on boys and I dated them. But I always knew that I loved women's bodies, I just thought of women as a work of art and a people that I adored and nothing more.

I know that everytime I go out,I spend half of that time just looking at and sincerely admiring women's bodies. I loved it. But it was probably just one of those things that caught my fancy, that's what I thought.

until I kissed a woman. Until I fell in love with her, then I knew, I just knew that this is where I want to be.

And everyday I want to tell everyone I know and everyone I meet that I love women, that I basically live for women, but I cannot open my mouth to say, because I live in one of the most homophobic countries in the world, I stand at risk of being thrown to jail for commiting no crime, for harming nobody, just for loving someone. You would think  queer people did something bad, but no, we are murdered, maimed, rejected, hated and thrown in jail for loving another adult.

My friend tells me of how she loved her girlfriend so much but couldn't tell anyone that the person who makes her this happy was a woman. We have learnt to keep our love secret, like it's a sin, like it should be non existent. We seek freedom but repeatedly we are told to shut our mouth and be silent.

I see people in  heterosexual relationships and marriages have weddings, start families, hold hands on the streets, openly love each other, kiss each other at airports and while I appreciate the love that they share, I feel bad that I cannot do that with my partner, it hurts me that queer people living in Nigeria cannot have those experiences, this is torture even without hands touching us. This is oppression,  one that is so normalized that people urge other people to hate our very existence.

As a woman who lives in Nigeria and who was born here, I have faced oppressions of different kinds, I have been marginalized on different ends and I have fought for myself. I have fought all my life, tirelessly for my very existence, yet in all of my fights, the fight for my queerness looks bigger and more dangerous every single time that I try to. It's a fight that makes me silent on most days.

The desire to be able to declare that I love women and I want to be with women always somehow never becomes a reality, it stays in my head. 

Somehow I think it's because of the anonymity that comes with queerness, everybody thinks of you as heterosexual, it is you who have to change that, it is you who have to scream on your lungs, it is you who have to reject heterosexuality that is constantly imposed upon you.

When facing tribal discriminations, you already know who you haters are from the beginning, you can see the smirk in their faces and hatred in their voices from the first day you meet them, you already know how to handle and tackle them or to cut them off and stay away from them.

When battling Misogyny, I already know to cut off misogynists when I can or to never have them as close paddies, I know how to handle family members who are misogynistic, I can challenge their misogynistic culture and stance and still be a part of the family , I won't be scared of being disowned or excommunicated from family functions and events. We may disagree and quarrel but I will always be a part of the family, I can always get my share of whatever they decide to give me. 

As an atheist, I know that my refusal to pray with my family members and religious friends will have very little or no effect on our relationships. I know that my mother has no serious problem with me not believing in a god and refusing to go to church with her. I know that I can always tell people that I don't believe in god, and even though they look at me with utmost surprise at first, even though they try to preach to me and make me see reasons to believe in a god, they don't try to kill me, they don't cut me off, they don't call me an abomination, they don't hate my existence, and they don't refuse to sell things to me.

However, as a queer woman, I  have to keep a part of me private to make people feel comfortable. I can't even tell people that the person making me smile over the phone is the woman I love, no, I have to pretend and lie. I have to change pronouns when talking to my friends in public about the woman I have a crush on.

I have to act like a core part of me doesn't exist, I might tell my family that I love women and they would disown me and excommunicate me, throwing away years and years that we lived and existed together, I may tell a stranger who is asking about my husband that what I want is a wife and they would scream and hate on me, or they may kill me, or immediately call me an abomination.

The betrayal and rejection that we have to endure for existing is one that cannot be measured and quantified. Being queer means loving your family and constantly doubting if they even love you and if their love will turn to hate the moment they know that you are queer. It's being part of a family and still knowing that you may be kicked out of it at any time.

Being queer is seeing first hand how love can become hatred and how your existence is treated like an abomination. It's realizing that your family would have killed you if sexuality was known at birth.

I  think about these things and I sing for freedom, I can't for freedom, I scream for freedom and I cry freedom.

When they say they want Nigeria where no Nigerian is more Nigerian than others, I wonder if they realize that that is also our Nigerian dream as queer people.

A Nigerian where my queerness is not a threat to my existence, a Nigeria where I can marry the love of my life, a Nigeria where I can hold hands with my wife or partner and we can kiss in public.

I want an equal Nigeria too. Equality in sexuality. Just as they want equality in tribal privileges and wealth, I want freedom, freedom to be as colourful as I come, freedom to exist wholy as me, freedom to love whoever makes my heart smile, freedom to hold hands with my lover and never have to keep her a secret, I want freedom. Freedom to exist without being called an abomination. Freedom to love without restrictions. Freedom to exist without having to hide my identity, a core part of me.

I want this freedom for myself and for every queer person, because we deserve this joy, we deserve a community that is not a secret, we deserve a life and love that we don't have to hide and talk about in hushed tones and we deserve a Nigeria where we can openly be queer, live our lives, and not have our dating pool be so small because we don't even know who is queer or not as everyone have to hide this part of them..

I am proud however, of the way other people in this community have shown that being free is possible, that we can live our best lives despite the limitations, that we can find family in new people we meet along the way. I am proud of the joy that we live for. Of the hope for a better world where queer children and adults are not ostracized or murdered. I am grateful for the strength we have to keep pushing and demanding for a better Nigeria, one that includes, one that recognizes and appreciates us. And even when we are not on the streets organizing protests, just literally existing and being true to ourselves is revolution, it's rebellion, and it's hope for freedom.

Chidera Ochuagu.