Grief is one of those tricky life experiences where words can either heal or unintentionally cut deeper than a knife. While the intention is usually good, some well-meaning comments can be more awkward than comforting. So, if you find yourself comforting a friend who’s lost someone, here are ten things you might want to avoid saying—unless you’re aiming for a good ol’ foot-in-mouth moment.
- "At least they lived a long life."
Translation: "Hey, it could've been worse. They could have died sooner!" Not exactly the comforting message you want to send. Sure, longevity is great, but in this moment, it’s not about the quantity of years—it’s about the huge, gaping hole left behind.
2. "They’re in a better place now.
Ah, the classic "better place." As if the current location isn’t just a tad bit better when they were, you know, alive. Your friend is likely thinking, “I'd prefer them here, thanks.
3. "I know how you feel."
No, you don’t. Even if you've experienced loss, each person's grief is unique. This phrase, though meant to empathize, can feel dismissive. Plus, it’s one of those things people say when they really don’t know what else to say, which brings us to...
4. "Everything happens for a reason."
Cue the eye roll. This one can feel like the universe's worst fortune cookie message. It’s probably not the best time to philosophize about life’s mysterious ways, especially when your friend is trying to figure out what the reason could possibly be for their pain.
5. "It was their time."
You might as well say, “Well, they had a good run!” It’s hard to find solace in the idea that there’s some cosmic clock ticking down the moments until your friend’s loved one was scheduled to kick the bucket.
6. "They wouldn't want you to be sad."
While it’s true that most loved ones would want us to be happy, telling someone not to be sad during a time of loss is like telling someone not to sneeze when they have a cold. It’s an inevitable reaction, and pushing away those emotions doesn’t make the grief disappear.
7. "At least you still have (insert family member here)."
Oh, great! Because nothing soothes the heartache of losing a loved one like a quick inventory check of who's still alive. This comment can be unintentionally dismissive and minimize the significance of the loss.
8. "You’ll find someone/something to fill the void."
You can’t just replace a person like an old toaster. This one is particularly absurd when someone is grieving a partner. As if there’s a backup person waiting in the wings to step in and pick up where the other left off. Life isn’t a game of musical chairs, after all.
9. "Look on the bright side, now you can (insert activity here)."
The “silver lining” approach rarely works when someone is grieving. It can come across as if you’re trying to fast-forward their pain to get to the part where they’re miraculously okay. Let’s not pretend there’s a “bright side” to losing someone.
10. "Let me know if you need anything!"
While this is often said with the best of intentions, it can feel like an empty gesture. Your friend might not even know what they need right now, and the onus shouldn’t be on them to ask. Instead, offer specific help, like dropping off a meal or taking care of chores.
In conclusion, when comforting a grieving friend, sometimes less is more. A simple "I'm here for you" or just being present can go a long way. Remember, it’s okay to not have the perfect words—sometimes, just being a good listener is the best thing you can do. And above all, avoid these cringe-worthy lines unless you’re trying to lighten the mood with some unintentional comedy (which, let’s be honest, is probably not the right approach).