In the afterlife of half a century of sexual repression, non-monogamy continues to be a contentious subject in both liberal and conservative African communities. For many us, our first introduction to the concept of non-monogamy is through polygamy: the centuries-old practice among African men who seek multiple wives and large families to cultivate the land. Yet, in major cities in Africa and across the diaspora, African women from the feminist and lgbtq+ communities - who aren’t seeking to cultivate land, but simply want to love - are repopularising non-monogamy through polyamory.
Many sceptics confuse polyamory and polygamy which has resulted in the mystification of non-monogamy all together. Polygamy is having multiple spouses, while polyamory means having multiple loving relationships with the informed consent of all partners involved. As polygamy is still commonly practise in on the continent, it remains a culturally and legally acceptable form of marriage. It is underpinned by patriarchal ideas of family; in that, it is only men who can marry and by extension, love multiple people.
“We are holistic beings capable of loving multiple people. As Africans, polyamory is a practice that deserves debunking,” says Karen “Kaz” Lucas, a sex educator living in Nairobi. Kaz is also the creator of “The Spread Podcast,” a renowned sex positive podcast aimed at forging safe spaces for young people to embrace both their sensuality and sexuality. “With compulsory monogamy, we're still practising what we were taught by colonialists about love. And that's not who we are. This will go back to conversations about jealousy and possession, which is a thing that is a very colonial concept”.
Kaz wished to stress that being polyamorous is the opposite of being a commitment-phobe. “Women who are polyamorous like to love and commit to many people. So it's actually the antithesis of commitment phobia”. Those were the shared beliefs of the three women we interviewed for this article. We spoke to them about what attracted them to polyamory, how to attenuate jealousy, and the reception around polyamory in their respective communities.
Daisy* 23 (queer) Cape Town, South Africa
Polyamorous for most of her adult life, Daisy felt like polyamory was the norm and not the exception in her life because it gave language to how she was already experiencing romatic relationships. She’s only been monogamous twice before. In her short stint with experimenting with monogamy, she says she was admittedly “promiscuous”.
“I don’t think I ever felt confined by monogamy because, quite simply, I was never monogamous. It has its advantages but it also has its limitations. I’m not convinced that it's the model for everyone. One person can’t give you everything. It's almost like expecting to rely on one friend for all your interests or your emotional needs and that’s impossible. We have different friendship groups because we vibe with different people. Polyamory is just a romantic extension of that.”
“I had a really bad experience with my first time with polyamory because my lover’s main partner was very jealous of me and it manifested in ugly ways,” she shares of her experience. When asked about how she avoids feelings of jealousy, she recommends the use of mindfulness techniques and encourages honest communication. “I’ve never been jealous, because I understand what I need and where I’m at mentally. I have an internal dialogue with myself and ask why it’s invoking that particular emotion. If it’s something I think needs to be raised with a partner I’m always pro-communication and verbalising.”
Kaz believes that jealousy is not exempt from polyamorous relationships. Some women may not share Daisy’s sentiments because the expression of jealousy varies from person to person. She explains that “more often than not it’s important to get to the bottom of why were having emotions such as jealousy which could be driven by a fear of abandonment. Such a reflection leads us to deal with the root of what jealousy is”.
Contrary to popular opinion, Daisy feels South Africa is not as progressive as other Africans might think. “The constitution may be more liberal but the societal values are broadly the same all across Africa. Fortunately, I benefit from going to a liberal university. However, the iterations of stigma in liberal spaces still exist as a result of misinformation and fear.”
U. Lover* 23 (bisexual) Nairobi, Kenya
“I’m solo-polyamory which means I carry myself as a single person. You wouldn’t see me displaying PDA for my partner in the open. Anyone that I tell just thinks I’m trying to fuck around. In high school I used to go out and I didn’t want the person I’m dating to act like we’re together. I’d be like ‘you can go flirt with other people’ and I used to find it exciting. I felt that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t jealous in that way. I didn’t have a name for it then, but in hindsight that emotion is called compersion.”
To contrast feeling upset or threatened when your partner romantically or sexually interacts with someone else, compersion is the opposite of jealousy because it exudes feelings of happiness. “I’d describe compersion as feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,” says U. Lover. “I have depression and anxiety and there are moments when I just need to be alone. If I was monogamous, it would seem like I’m abandoning my partner when really I just need to invest back into myself. I’m giving exactly what I can give and that’s okay and if they need more, I’m assured by them being fulfilled by someone else.”
When asked about what being polyamorous in Nairobi feels like, U. Lover disclosed that, “People’s reactions/responses are usually judgemental and close-minded. For me it’s very much like ‘what about monogamy is right to you?’ Most of the people I know who get upset about monogamy have cheated at some point in their lives.”
Rey 27 (pansexual) London, United Kingdom
It was interesting to compare and contrast the experiences of continental Africans like Daisy and U. Lover with women from the diaspora. Rey is Afro-Carribean and lives in London. “The village I'm from in Jamaica is so conservative, even divorce is a taboo. My parents are raging christians so if I was brought up there I don’t know if i’d be out as queer, let alone polyamorous because the homophobia there is crazy,” Rey reveals.
In London, Rey found acceptance within the queer community. “Growing up in London and being queer, you get to meet lots of other queer people through dating apps. At 17, I already felt rejected for being queer so I decided to explore what I like since who I am is [considered] a sin anyway. I was introduced to lots of conversations about relationships in general and polyamory happened to be one of those topics.” Rey still feels like polyamory is scandalised outside of her bubble of friends. “A lot of my straight friends just don’t get it because they’re still stuck in that mainstream bubble of what they think love is. I definitely can’t talk about my multiple partners in the workplace.”
“I believe that monogamy is also natural, but if polyamory was normalised then less people would be monogamous. People need to start by critically asking themselves what family means,” Rey adds.
The 27-year-old is also a mum. Though society stigmatises family arrangements that aren’t the typical, heterosexual two-parent household, Rey’s sentiments invite us to remember how our communities raised us. “In Jamaica, everyone mothers you. Your grandma is your mum, your aunt is your mum. When I was breastfeeding my son, I was looking after my partner’s cousin’s baby. He was hungry and my cousin told me to breastfeed him. So many people thought it was really weird. In London, people’s idea of the nuclear family has led them to believe someone else's breast milk for your baby is wrong. It just goes to show how powerful societal norms are.”