Some years back, I read on a blog that Francia Raisa had donated a kidney to her long-term friend, Selena Gomez when she needed a kidney transplant. I went from being shocked to nearly tearing up about how selfless Francia was to have done that for her friend.  In recent news, Francia expressed her displeasure and unfollowed Selena on Instagram supposedly over a comment the latter had made in her documentary - ‘My Mind and Me’. Selena had mentioned that her only friend in the industry was Taylor Swift. Francia probably felt offended that her friend excluded her from the list of friends she has in the industry, hence her actions. Selena’s comment and Francia’s action soon sparked arguments and debates on social media. While some people expressed that Francia had no right to feel offended by Selena’s comment, some others felt that Selena was wrong for not mentioning her friend and donor, Francia.

I followed through with the comments online, read the different arguments, and decided to talk to my friends about it and know what their thoughts were.  At some point in the conversation with one of my friends, I blurted out “you know, this is why I’m not giving anyone my kidney or taking a kidney from anyone”. I was not joking, unless it’s my child, I don’t think I would ever give my friend a kidney, and I would not take my friend’s kidney either.  

I have always thought that when it comes to celebrities, we never know the actual full story. Everyone can only make inferences but that’s just it, no one can be certain of the complexities and nuances of a relationship they are not part of, how much more a relationship they can only watch from very far off, or read about on celebrity gossip blogs, so I would rather not have an opinion on Selena and Francia’s friendship or attempt to talk about who was right or wrong.  I, however, believe that there is so much that others can learn from their friendship and important conversations that need to be had.  One of those conversations is whether or not there is a gift that is too much to give or receive in friendships. 

My comment about never taking a gift as huge as a kidney from my friend made me realize that there are gifts that I do consider too expensive to give to or receive from a friend. Firstly, I do believe that giving is a huge part of human relationships, I don’t think that any sort of relationship where two or more people love one another can be sustained without a healthy amount of giving and receiving. I however believe that some gifts may be too expensive, so expensive that it may change the dynamics of that relationship and not for the better.  

When is a gift too expensive to receive or give?

When I say certain gifts are just too expensive, I am not talking about the monetary value of those gifts, though the monetary value of a gift can certainly make it pass for a gift that is too expensive to be received. A gift is expensive when it costs the giver something very vital, something that holds too much sentimental value to them, an opportunity that cannot be so easily gotten again, and an action that puts their lives, safety, health, or career at risk.

I did not always think this way, I grew up watching home videos, and the only reason characters in old Nollywood movies that I saw rejected gifts, was because they suspected that the giver had bad intentions, had bewitched the gifts, or they did not like the giver. It was never because it was too expensive and they worried that it may change the dynamics of their relationship. They sometimes acknowledged that it was a lot but that was only to show appreciation for those gifts. 

I remember watching a foreign movie, it was one of the first foreign movies I saw. The hero gifted his girlfriend a diamond necklace and she rejected it because it was too expensive. As a child I wondered why she did that, I mean that is your boyfriend, but as I grew I started to understand that it can sometimes be a sensible decision to reject a gift if you believe it is too expensive. 

Why do we give gifts?

I believe there are unhealthy reasons for giving. People sometimes give gifts to control and manipulate others, while some do this with the vilest intentions. I once heard someone say she lent her neighbor money so she can mention it in case they fall out, some others do it not out of bad intentions toward the receiver but out of their fear, trauma, and feelings of inadequacy. Ameenah (not her real name), one of the people I had a conversation with before writing this article admitted that she used to be the cash cow of her friend’s group, giving her friends monetary gifts, picking up the bills when they went out to eat because she worried that they would kick her out of their group if she did not constantly give them these things. Many people give of themselves to secure a permanent spot in the lives of others. Some give because they want others to feel indebted to them, they do believe that when a person feels indebted to them, it becomes harder for the said person to leave them, they also know that if the receiver leaves, it’d make people more sympathetic toward them and may even make people hate the receiver. Some enjoy holding that over the heads of their receivers, it makes them feel in control. , 

It is not always possible to know the intentions of friends who give us gifts so we cannot refuse to accept any gift at all but even when the giver and receiver have the purest intentions, a costly gift can rearrange the dynamics of a friendship.

The “entitled” giver…

People say that once a gift is given, the giver must not concern themselves about how that gift is used. They must give and let go, and that is ideal, but the human mind, unfortunately, does not work that way. Not many people can watch their gifts being used in a manner inconsistent with their reason(s) for giving and still be unbothered by it, especially when that is a friend that they see often. If for instance, a friend gifts their friend seed money to start a business but the friend uses that money for something else, and say loses a huge chunk of the money gambling, it is rare to find a giver who can say “I gave you that money so you can use it for a business, if you choose to use it for something else, that is fine too, it is yours to do with as you please”.  Resentment inevitably builds up in a friendship when one person feels their gift is being misappropriated.  

Can people give and look away after?

I believe people can when it is a stranger but it’s a lot harder when it’s a friend that you see and communicate with every other day. Also, some gifts are easier to give and look away from than other gifts, when a gift cost the giver something precious, it becomes a lot harder to look away. Even the most detached person who understands the concept of giving and looking away after will not be so detached when it is a gift that took too much from them to give.  

The receivers’ guilt…

I could write a whole book on this but I used to be that person who could not accept a gift without feeling like I owed the person for the rest of my life. I had many issues at some point in my life because I was refusing to let go of certain people because of something they did years ago even though those people have since they gave me that gift, taken a whole lot from me too. I have long gotten to a place where I can receive a gift without feeling like I have a loan to repay. I never set out to offend anyone but I do not shy away from saying or doing whatever I truly believe is right because it would offend someone who at some point was my benefactor. 

Despite the hard work I have done to unpack that feeling of unending indebtedness to whoever has done anything for me, I know for a fact that a gift that took a lot from the giver may bring those feelings to the surface. Gifts are powerful, but expensive gifts are a lot more powerful, it is almost impossible for a costly gift not to change the dynamics of a friendship. A friendship where one person feels indebted to the other person, and the other person feels entitled to their indebtedness will in no time breed toxicity.  

Ending a friendship after receiving a big gift…

Not a lot of people handle rejection or other people walking out of their relationship well. They take it personally and hurt badly. It is hard enough to decide that you are done with a friendship and now want to leave, it is even harder when your friend has made a significant sacrifice for you. The truth is leaving a friendship where you have been on the receiving end of a costly gift can make you feel like the most terrible person on Earth, especially when it is not because your friend has done something ghastly to harm you. 

People outgrow friendships, usually, when this happens, they fade out of these friendships and it dissolves in no time, however, two people may hold on to a friendship that is stagnant, lacking in laughter, joy, and maybe even love because of a sacrifice one of the parties has made. The receiver may feel indebted and the giver may feel like they have incurred a significant loss since they have given so much to the friendship.

 Even when there are no feelings of entitlement on the part of the giver, they may feel that too much has been invested in the friendship already and may be unwilling to let go. 

Before you give or receive that costly gift…

It is important to examine certain things and ask vital questions before receiving or giving a costly gift. These questions will help protect your friendship and help you make clearer and more informed decisions about giving or receiving in friendships. 

The WHO you are giving or receiving gifts from

It’s important to know who you’re giving a costly gift to or receiving from. You want to be sure it’s someone whose values about giving align with yours. You want to take into consideration how they think and what their belief system is. You should know that a person who is controlling may become much more controlling if they give you something that costs them too much. It is also possible that a person who has received a costly gift from you feel so indebted to you that they resent you for feeling that way. You want to make sure your friend is on the same page with you before making heavy sacrifices for them or letting them do the same for you. 

The WHY you are giving. 

Giving is a selfless act, you want to make sure that your reason for giving is mostly selfless. If you expect anything in return, that’s a contract and you must treat it as such to prevent feelings of resentment and bitterness in the future of your friendship. If your reason for giving is to have control over another person, understand that it is impossible to control others. People may allow you to boss them around due to their feelings of indebtedness but they soon shake it off and do whatever they like anyway. You also cannot make people stay friends with you because you have given them stuff, even if you can, why would you want to be friends with someone who is only friends with you because they feel indebted to you? Such friendships soon become shallow, lacking in depth and any form of true affection because the parties are only holding on for a reason. It may also fast become a codependent friendship. You want a healthy friendship where you and your friend are together because you enjoy each other very much. 

Can you let go?

As I said above, you can’t use gifts and huge sacrifices to make people stay with you. First, they may be appreciative or even feel indebted but they soon get over it and remember that you are a terrible gossip, or that you are judgemental, or that your fundamental and political interests are poles apart. When that happens, they naturally fade from your life. The question is this: can you accept that the friendship can come to an end at any time regardless of whatever gift you have given to your friend and what that gift has cost you? If you see yourself feeling an incredible sense of loss if your friendship ends after you have given something that significant, you might want to reconsider giving. 

Do you find it difficult to stand up to someone who has done something for you in the past?

If you cannot tell that friend who bought you a designer purse or supported you with money for your business that you think they are wrong for talking so rudely and condescendingly to a waitress, or that you don’t like how they constantly talk over you, you may not be the person to accept costly gifts from someone. There is no reason to accept certain gifts it will take your peace of mind or your ability to be assertive along with it. 

Gifts are great and many people, including me, love to give and receive gifts but I believe there are times when a gift is just too expensive to accept or give. Before giving or accepting that gift, you want to have very important and sometimes, difficult conversations with your friend about what their expectations are, that way you can make an informed decision, and reduce the chance of resentment springing forth and ruining the dynamics of your friendship.