“His cool, calm, confident charisma” or “her soft, warm, charming beauty”. The origin of most love stories is found in nothing really about the depths of a person but what they elude on the surface. In the beginning, romantic love is rooted in the imagination of one’s mind, creating scenarios based on an initial set of characteristics that the “crush” has laid for us to see: a smile, accent, dress, intelligence, etc. The list is endless, but we must recognize the importance of language—the language of identity.

I came across a thread where a lady discussed an issue she had in her relationship. She and her boyfriend were both at the club, and she caught him talking with another lady. According to her, there were things in their conversation that she found disrespectful. At the end of all this, he apologized, but without understanding her POV or showing any sign of sincerity in his apology, mainly because he saw nothing wrong in what he did. Now, as this story was playing in your head, you might have picked a side that you believed was right or wrong, but that is the issue. There is no right or wrong side; there’s just language.

If we played the scenario differently, we’d see a different situation play out, one where she comes out and sees her boyfriend talk to a lady in the same disrespectful manner, but this time, when she relays her worries to him, he validates her feelings and sincerely apologizes that what happened had affected her in the way it did. He would then go on to explain that what happened was probably not as she saw it.To some, this can be a fairytale, but in truth, all it is is having someone who understands the language of your being.

To some, we are brilliant, and to others, we are stupid, but the best people are those who see our ways of reasoning as normal, nothing special or disastrous, just having a similar mental framework or the same energy signature. We have spoken to people who we adored, and some who made us want to tear our ears out, but also, at some point, we have most likely spoken to people who, on an almost soul level, understand us, to the point that even the issues they have are the ones we relate to so much.

Early on in life, we see that relationships are focused on surface factors: intelligence, height, beauty, dressing, weight, voice, etc. As a result, we adopt such narratives for our lives as well. We see someone who encompasses all these traits or a good number of them, and we idealize a life with them, making them “the one,”  but really, most times we never really have enough information to draw such a conclusion. An example: a guy has his attention on a woman who just eludes confidence in her essence; her aura is bright and everyone notices her; he gets to her and they start dating, and everything goes perfectly. Months later, when some feelings are now dormant, he begins to resent her because of her recurrent pattern of being controlling and unempathetic; his entire life is dictated by her; and he has been revoked the right to make a number of decisions on matters affecting his day-to-day life.

Finding someone who speaks your language takes time and conversation; it involves managing our idealizations and finding out at the person’s core who they really are and what their thinking process is.

One useful way to understand individual languages is with personality tests; there are many out there you could use. I enjoy using the MBTI personality tests and the Enneagram test. They are good at giving some basic understanding of the complexity of our individuality. While these tests don’t tell you everything about each person, they can give you a frame of reference for the way someone thinks, their motivations, and so on.

To love someone, you’ve got to first love yourself, because in loving yourself, you only go for what is best for you, including a potential partner.

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