Being uneducated is a setback to any gender, whether male or female, but a lot of women in Africa  have it difficult when they are uneducated, especially in a patriarchal system like ours.

I am drawing this inspiration for this article from two women I used to know. I will call the first ‘Mrs. A’. She was twenty-eight years old, uneducated and married to a man with three children between them. She was a farmer, and her husband was a carpenter.

Yes, she is your average Nigerian woman.

After the birth of her last child, her husband, for reasons best known to him, decided to quit being the head of the house. She continued from where he stopped, even though she had always been a participant in provision.

She took the responsibility quietly, trying her best to cover her family’s dirty secret, which included her husband taking money for work, and well, never delivering, causing the Police to show up at her door, yet she still suffered physical abuse from the sting of his palm finding strong landing on her flesh and the kiss of his belt marking her.

Let me tell you something, a woman is not just a woman, she is a wife, a mother, a lover, a caregiver, and the backbone of a community. She gives her all and receives anything that is offered to her.

Ok, back to my story!

After going through the whole ordeal for months, her children out of school, her farming was only substantial for feeding at the time. Her long scarf covered the raw, multicolored flesh at her back. She was fed up!

You know the type of ‘feeding up’ that it gets to your throat like hot yam dipped in palm oil and swallowed with urgency, but you just have to keep eating because you don’t know where your next meal is coming from?

She told me she was leaving or giving him space, as I later came to understand. See, my mother told me to never get involved in couples fight. She said they will always find a way to sort their issues out, irrespective of their circumstances.

Back to my story, lol!

She asked me what I thought about her decision to leave with her children leaving her responsibility as a wife behind and taking up her responsibility as a mother.

She said her pride was hurt by her children not going to school and having Police at her front door. She spoke deeply about her pains, and I asked her if she had spoken about it with him, if they had discussed, if they had compromised, and if they had tried to sort their issues out.

Mrs. A, said she did and he got angry that she brought up the situation. He called her disrespectful and she said was wicked. And no, she didn’t tell him about leaving.

‘Leaving to where?’ I asked Mrs. A. With dark-rimmed eyes, she said she was considering leaving his house for his mother’s house.

You say? Like from his house to his mother’s house!

I laughed so hard. But funny enough, she left him as she said she would.

Is that an escape? Is that a way? Is that a dishonor to her responsibilities? Does that make her more or less a woman, or rather, does that make her more or less a responsible wife and mother?

She said her father’s house was far into the sands of the northern ground and nobody would welcome her home from her husband’s house with three children and nothing to write home about. A divorced woman? Not in her father’s house. Not that sort of disgrace for him in the presence of his kin.

There was nowhere to go, no certificate to find a compelling job, and not enough money at the time to cater for three children on her own.

In contrast to my funny neighbor, who, by the way, returned to her husband’s house two days later, after his mother had pleaded on his behalf and supposedly spoke to her son who promised to change to a new leaf,  I’ll call the second woman ‘Mrs. B’.

She was beautiful, educated, had three children as well and was the supposed bread winner of the house. She was living well with her husband who made lesser provisions even though he was working as well; his finance was never her problem. She paid the rent, fed the house, bought the necessary goods, and tried to live happily despite her cheating husband scandals.

You read well; he was a chronic cheat.

She told me he had left her once with a sickly child of theirs that they later lost to the icy clutches of death. According to Mrs. B, she had gone back to look for him and accepted his  return so as to be a father to their then two children.

All she wanted, was a father figure in their life. She said when she was younger, she was warned against marrying him, but you know how tall, fine men can be intoxicating. Against all odds, she married him.

The straw that broke the Camel’s back was when he got a woman in their street pregnant. It was shameful, disrespectful, and she was hurt. Her supposed pride as ‘An African Woman with a husband’ was in the mud, and she thought with eyes wide open about it.

Then she left.

She left him, took her kids, her properties which she bought - literally everything in the house - and she never looked back.

As an educated working woman, she had her own money, so moving out was physically easier. I definitely cannot ignore the emotional and psychological impact that will have on her, but then, she decided to start afresh and so she did.

The African woman, her pride, and her responsibilities.

Both of this woman are Africans, with pride of being mothers and a wives, a pride that will sit them down and make them double-check their actions and the consequences it has on not just them but their children looking up to them.

They have responsibilities also in the person of their children and these children are meant to come first despite their personal feelings, it is what is best for them, what will shape their future and what will lead them.

I sometimes wonder if Mrs. A would have totally moved out of his house if she had access to financial opportunities or a literate background that will guide her through. Her cultural pride of a married woman may not even let her stay as a single mother.

Last I heard of Mrs. B, she had moved into her house and doing well for herself and her children.

Admittedly, these decisions to stay or leave is solely dependent on the woman and what she feels she can cope with as a woman without a husband. I remember when I broached the topic with a friend some years back, and she said a woman should stay in that marriage regardless because it is a do-or-die affair. She cited her mother as an example, who suffered emotional and physical abuse in the hands of her husband for over two decades.

In his defense, she said he only turned a new leaf a year before and that if her mother had not endured all the years before, she wouldn’t be enjoying the fruit of her long-time labor.

But is that woman not lucky? What if she had died in the process of it all? Well, I am glad she never died. But my prayers are out there with Mrs. A, hoping her husband will turn a new leaf as soon as possible.

The African woman stands as a powerful symbol of strength and elegance; she fulfills various roles in her community, being a loving nurturer to her family and imparting values that shape compassionate and confident individuals.

In the face of challenges, the African woman exhibits remarkable resilience, facing adversity with grace and determination. Her wisdom, passed down through generations, holds valuable life lessons, connecting the past with the future.

Across-the-board, the African woman's presence is a source of pride, but the African woman is limited by her pride and her responsibilities keeping her in check in accordance with those obligations and a culture that shun leaving your husband’s house; she is staged to consider herself last.