They are entrepreneurs and career women. They also hang out with friends, garden, find solace in spirituality, go to the beach, and travel. And struggle with mom guilt and finding a balance between raising their kids and earning an income. Their experiences show us how society continues to evolve. This roundtable delves into the realities of being African, a mother and an entrepreneur.

Assumptions regarding African motherhood abound. For many, the image which comes to mind is the mother who toils as she pours her all into her family. In recent years, and in more progressive spaces, conversations tilt towards women forgoing motherhood and marriage to focus on their careers. Some women in the entrepreneurship space are ambitious and committed to building their business ventures, and don’t want to be slowed down by family. And there are those who want it all, yet, crave the space to unwind and be themselves.  

Paths to motherhood

When Udhedhe Olakpe realised she wanted to be married, she sat down and planned it. As an engineer working in the construction industry, Olakpe knew her career ambitions. At the same time, marriage and motherhood were as important. For Davina Mavuwa, a project manager consultant and talk show host on DStv’s The Buzz, it was the opposite. “I never thought I would be a wife and a mother,” she says. Finding a good partner came first before the desire to be a mother. 

Shari Hammond also opened up to motherhood due to a reliable partner, and her upbringing played a specific role on her eventual choices. “I was formatted as a kid,” Hammond explains. “Have your job, have your man and have your child.” Growing up with a love for children, family and community, Ariana Oluwole married in her early 20s. By the time she was 23, she was already facing pressure from people asking her about having a child. Similarly for Irene Wangui, motherhood was expected as the next step after getting married. Now a mother of two, Wangui says, “I’d always wanted babies. I don’t know if it was societal conditioning.”

Making it work

In the days before the pandemic, which made working from home more common, Olakpe watched her older sister working from home in order to be with her kids. “I wanted to be with my children. I didn’t want the bulk of the responsibility of raising my children to be with someone else,” she says. Leading up to her wedding, Olakpe informed her boss she was getting married and would eventually be relocating to Yaounde — her husband is Cameroonian — from Nigeria. She pitched the idea of working remotely to him. “I’m a critical member of the team,” Olakpe explains. “When I realised that, I had to make it work to my advantage.”

Soon after her wedding, Olakpe started working remotely. Although this choice might have cost her professionally, it was one she was willing to make because of the family life she wanted. Currently, Olakpe flies into work as needed to supervise things. It was important for her to make her career fit into her personal life and so far, it’s working well. Recently, she and her sister launched a publishing company, Agbada Books.

Making it work for Mavuwa involves setting strict boundaries between work and family time. When she’s on a Zoom call, her daughters know not to disturb. “I expect them to realise these are mummy’s boundaries,” she says. “When she’s in her office, she’s in her office.” Similarly with work, her employers know when she’s with her kids, they come first. Mavuwa stresses the importance of mothers letting employers know their value when they negotiate. She says, “I think all moms are like this; you want to give your kids your all.” At the same time, mothers have to work so it’s necessary to strike a balance. Mavuwa set up a support system whereby if there’s an emergency, there’s always someone to fill in if she’s at work and can’t be there for her kids.“

I was more career-driven before having a child,” Hammond explains. “I’m still career-driven but it's been shifting.” Hammond works in the international development sector, and is based in Accra. Six months after the birth of her son, she craved flexibility. “For a lot of women, once you give birth, your priorities change,” she tells AMAKA. “A part of our brain is activated and it’s very protective and nourishing.” Hammond took a career break and left her job. Then mom guilt set in. It took Hammond over a year to get over feeling she wasn’t as dedicated in the workspace as she used to be. Now as a consultant, she has more control over her time, prioritising projects without the pressure. Hammond suggests that when the contributions of mothers are valued, less women will feel guilty for being mothers. In her words, “I wish society would allow for young mothers to have that break so we can readjust our worlds.”

The need to prove herself in a male-dominated field had Oluwole working on the same day she gave birth. On a work call, Oluwole remembers telling her colleagues, “Hey guys, guess what? I just had a baby this afternoon.” Oluwole was working in the telecoms industry in Sierra Leone at the time and threw herself into work. This is something she now regrets. “I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone,” Oluwole says. Following an incident at the airport where immigration officers questioned Oluwole due to her son’s lack of familiarity with her, she knew things had to change. “My son did not know me,” Oluwole says with pain. “I had to stop working so I could spend time with him.” With the support of her husband and friends, Oluwole launched Narnia to work with children. She has since become an entrepreneur in the education sector. Oluwole worked to establish the first adolescent mental health unit in Sierra Leone, the brainchild of Dr. Elizabeth Allieu who runs the centre.

With two young children, Wangui faced challenges balancing her home and work life. She runs several businesses; she is a fashion designer, runs a lifestyle brand which sells clothing for kids and women and also bakes. Running her bakery from home, Wangui’s babies would often interfere when she was baking cakes. She elaborates, “Even my studio had to be close to home, so that if anything happens I’ll be able to come back.” As she patiently waits for her daughter to start school, Wangui pictures boundaries that will give her time to concentrate on her work. For now, she takes one day a week to relax and enjoy activities that are not related to work or family.

Generational shifts

It takes a village to raise a child. This mindset endures across African cultures even today. Although Olakpe studied and worked in the United States, it was important to come back home. “I wanted to be in Africa,” she says. She also wanted a support system comprising of family she could rely on. This sentiment is echoed by Mavuwa. She was living in Canada with her family when her daughter experienced a racist incident at a young age. She says, “You have no village. Once the kids came, I realised I didn’t have my parents, sisters, cousins around. I never wanted to raise my kids in a silo.”

For Oluwole, her network involves not just leaning into caregivers and grandparents, but also trusting that her son can support himself. She says, “I’m raising my son to understand that mama has a life, mama needs time out.” These days when she’s stressed, her son notices and intervenes. Oluwole shares that motherhood means showing her child that she is not godlike. Giving her son the opportunity to express himself is also paramount to Olakpe. She maintains a two-way communication streak with her son as opposed to what she had with her parents, which she says felt like a one way conversation. Yet, it’s not all out with the old. Olakpe emulates her parents on discipline and establishing routines. Her son is a toddler and knows how to clean up after play time.

For the most part Wangui agrees: “We think we should be able to listen to our kids,” she says. At the same time, she stresses kids do need discipline. She selects the parenting tools that work for each individual child. “I’m not raising them the way I was raised, not at all,” Wangui emphasises. Due to the strict academic focus of her childhood, Wangui didn’t get the chance to explore her creative side till much later in life. Now it’s important to give her children the space to explore, to question even her. 

Hammond co-parents her son and it gives her space to reconnect with herself as an individual. In raising their son, they make sure to ask for his opinion and to involve him in decision-making. “His self-esteem is so important,” she says, “His sense of confidence is something that we don’t want to squash from a young age.” Hammond sees the generation of mothers in their 30s and 40s marvel more at their kids while giving them the space to express themselves in ways their own parents might have not allowed them.

For mothers raising sons, there’s a keen awareness of not spoiling them. “Patriarchy also reflects through the mother, so it’s important to check ourselves,” says Hammond. Olakpe is also conscious of this with her son. She explains, “My husband is an open-minded, well-travelled, 21st century guy but we still fall into those roles.” Olakpe aims to raise her son to be an involved man who thinks about all possible scenarios as many women are raised to.

Perhaps a key factor to family life is the partnership these women enjoy. “We’re still having so much fun together,” Oluwole smiles, when talking about her husband. “We’ve been friends for so long and the friendship is still here.” Wangui easily attests to the fact that her husband is very hands-on, to the point where older relatives would comment; “That your wife is commandeering.” He supports her business financially and emotionally, helping with deliveries and other logistics where Agbada Books is concerned. 

Having it all

Being a mother, thriving in a career while enjoying leisure activities with friends, everything is possible for young African mothers today. Olakpe speaks of women putting themselves in the position to get what they want. “As a woman, you really need to take a long term perspective. Identify what’s important to you early,” she says. Living the life one desires might see more women living unapologetically. Oluwole advises women to speak up even if culture demands they shouldn't, saying, “In the African context, we’re often made to keep quiet.” 

For Wangui, young women need to embrace change. “Be open to ideas and malleable to flow with life and the things that it brings,” she advises. Hammond points out that women invest in everyone else but themselves. For her, having it all would mean every woman owning something for herself. In societies where women are still considered property, it’s necessary to be independent. Oluwole insists that having it all is possible and that it starts with gratitude and living a purposeful life.