Have you ever felt the need to perform? The need to morph  and become a totally different person when someone you admire shows a tiny bit of interest in you? Questioning your worth? Comparing where they are in life with where you are? Wondering if you have anything to offer them aside from your pretentious smile. Well, if that’s not you, I cannot even elucidate sufficiently how lucky you are 

It’s 3:00 pm, and the boy I like wants to speak to me via a video call. I suddenly remember my braids are gangly over my scalp. Self-affirmation mantras are suddenly being chanted in front of the mirror. I'm doubting if he will still see my beauty outside the traditional Instagram-worthy pictures. Is this a sign of low self-esteem? Well, I can’t tell. 

I don’t feel like this when I’m talking to a friend or as a bisexual when the love interest is a girl. I don’t know what that means for me, but I’m a bisexual who has decided not to explore her bisexuality in an insanely homophobic society, it’s not worth it. Nonetheless, they say you can’t help who you fall in love with - Time will tell 

I barely have love interests. When you are a feminist, agnostic, and a woman who is only attracted to pretty faces, then you know the dating pool is puny.

I have never really cared about dating when I was younger and , sometimes, I mourn that. I had my first boyfriend in Secondary school two. His name is Josh. I didn’t even get to kiss Josh or meet Josh outside the lesson center where he bashfully asked me out.

After I agreed to be his girlfriend, I was thrilled, the excitement lasted for two days. He gave me a necklace as a welcome gift into his life, he was a sweet boy, the most charming. After my excitement had elapsed I suddenly found him annoying, he would call me when I was watching femme fatale, want me to text him all the time, demand my attention at every chance he got, and I didn’t get it. I just didn’t understand it. I called the relationship off. Something wasn’t right.

Ever since then, I haven’t been able to do it again. I have liked people but for some odd reason it never even gets off a talking stage. 

On a random day, it dawned on me that I operated my relationship with Josh from a place of fear: Fear, shame, and nonchalance. I feared my parents would find out I was seeing someone. Fear worked paripassu with shame, or was it shyness? It would become shame eventually; If it sat with me long enough, especially when my friends would tease me. As someone who grew up in a non affectionate home, I didn’t want people to see that I could like someone. I always operated above emotions, a stoic nihilist to every situation life may throw. I used to be a crybaby until realized, If nobody is coming to wipe your tears why cry in the first place?

Now back to the performance, I don’t feel the need to perform when I’m with my friends. I don’t speak slowly with my speech laced with an alien accent. I don’t worry that my skin has broken out too much or is once again suddenly inflamed. I wear the worst things and know their feelings will not change. I don’t feel bad about where I am in life: struggling. I just enjoy the moment, with fits of hideous laughter erupting from me at any given opportunity; my friends are funny. 

I have noticed that the only thing that keeps my friends is not my appearance, but the most mundane actions. How Obinna comes to me to comfort him or seek my opinion when he has a problem with a girl; How Akunna asks me questions concerning sewing in hopes I know the answer; How Shalom tells me about a Pr product that just landed, and when I applaud, you see it. You see that she is happy we celebrate with her; How Charlene expects you to tell her everything under the sun; And how Miracle comes to me with information she needs clarity on. So I choose this. I choose a platonic relationship over a romantic one. At least until I find myself. Until I no longer feel the need to perform for a love interest. Until I can be my authentic self. I don't want to be an entertainer who keeps dancing because she is afraid if she takes a break to catch her breath her audience may disappear. 

I know a large amount of this feeling is influenced by capitalism (I’m used to ascribing my worth to how much I have at the moment) and pop culture. Notwithstanding the awareness, I'm still opting out. Until I’m strong enough to disassociate from the system. Until I can finally de-center beauty and free myself from digital and transactional expectations of romantic love, then we can try again. This is a farewell message to the streets. I’m in my room, on my bed, tucked in by my friends, till we meet again.