My earliest memory of domestication was an evening when my parents arrived home later than usual. They had come back from a friend’s party—exhausted. My mother reached out to my brother asking them if they had eaten and he tilted his head—an equivalent to no. My parents called me into the room and harangued me; they couldn't believe that I was around and my siblings hadn't had anything to eat. I was a bit confused because we were so close in age, a minimum of 2 years apart, and I wondered how their feeding suddenly became a cross I should carry. But I bore it anyway, making many mistakes, moulding myself, and becoming the woman I am today; one who harbours domestic guilt. 

What is domestic guilt? 

Domestic guilt is a term I coined. It's a heavy feeling of restlessness that lies mostly with women when they are not participating in unpaid labour. Most women have been socialised as domestic workers and this cycle becomes difficult to break away from.

Angel Nduka-Nwosu, a freelance editor and multimedia journalist, believes first daughters are more prone to this, as they are also susceptible to people-pleasing. They feel the urge to put on a performance of hard-working or they fear they will be inadequate  

Women discuss their experiences. 

I'm a member of a Whatsapp group chat with vibrant achieving women. I had assumed this was a problem I faced alone, that women who were career-driven and feminist-leaning wouldn't understand the feeling of being handcuffed because they are not performing as domestic workers. However, I was still tempted to ask, and I did. I got an overwhelming response that immediately sponsored this essay. 

Adesuwa, a fashion stylist, was the first person to reply to me. We shared a similarity—we were both first daughters. “As a firstborn daughter, I feel very bad when I’m not helping out. Not only at my parent's house but also at my friends. If  I'm just there and not doing anything while they're busy, I always feel so guilty”.

Juliet Obaniyi, a Psychology graduate, chipped into the conversation with humour “This one here was something I had to unlearn. I used to feel so guilty when my brother cooked and I didn't help out. I would be too ashamed to bring my plate out” she said. I relate so much to Juliet’s story because there were times I wouldn't come out of my room to eat if my mother cooked alone without my help. I would feel undeserving of eating and sit in my room hungry. 

Teni, a student, who is currently living with her Aunty, corroborates these feelings. “ I feel so awkward when my Aunty wakes up before me and cooks. After I wake up, and I'm ready to eat, I just wait long hours starving because I didn’t participate in the cooking.”  

Dr.Chinelo believes domestic guilt makes her restless “ I jump up and reach for something random every time my aunt passes by my room. It took me years to unlearn this behaviour. I had to tell myself that it is okay to lie there and just do nothing” 

Angel also narrates her most recent experience “I felt a bit of this yesterday at my uncle's housewarming. Almost all the ladies in my age range were in the kitchen—serving—and I was gisting with the men and pressing my phone” she continues “In fact, the only time I entered the kitchen was to get water and food for myself and some guests.”

She goes ahead to add that despite running a food business, she has developed a love-hate relationship with the kitchen. Especially when it comes to serving at social functions. She believes the hate stems from the fact it is expected of her because she is a woman.  

“As much as I felt a twinge of guilt, I'd rather be known as the ‘domestically lazy’ female family member than the hardworking one who can be sent any and everywhere and has her schedule disrupted because they want you to come take care of their kids on short notice, even though their husbands are breathing” Angel concludes 

How to unravel domestic guilt? 

This community could not leave me with my adversity without prescribing solutions.  

Vivian Nnabue, a brand manager, leads the conversation towards a solution. She believes making feminist friends has made guilt unhand her “I used to feel this way a lot, then I made feminist close friends and my partner is an ally. So these are the people I’m usually with, in public and in private. I don’t have to perform domestics at home, because it’s my home, and I can do what I like. However, at a function, my friends will most likely be there and it helps in my morale (which is basically reminding myself not to agree to certain rubbish and to stand on business.)” 

Juliet prescribes deworming oneself of societal norms as the first step to unlearning domestic guilt. “The first step is accepting that women are not born nurturers, we are simply socialised to be one,” she says 

She goes ahead to narrate her own journey “I started unlearning it when I realised that cooking (large portions) gave me meltdowns. I would become unable to talk and be cranky after cooking. I won't even be able to eat the food, needing hours to recharge the energy lost. 

I had to admit that it was either something was wrong with me as a woman or that I had believed a lie all my life. Well, you know the answer”

“I stopped volunteering to do the cooking or domestic work at events too, especially when men are sitting, I will sit down and do nothing. If it's a social event, everyone should help out. And at home, we rotate it. My mother likes her food cooked a certain way, so I always tell her to do it herself. I cook, but it's not my duty.” Juliet concludes.

Another stellar woman whose words resonated with me is Elohor, a Communication Consultant “I used to feel this a lot. First born, first daughter, first granddaughter. But now, my feet are strong! If I visit a relative I mirror my behaviour to that of the most spoilt child in that house” she says 

“For example, when I was 23, an Aunt’s son would wake up at 10 am and sit on the couch pressing his phone, while all the women would be in the kitchen. After two days in that house, I also woke up at 10 and joined him on the couch. My Aunty would become passive-aggressive but I don't care. It's just with time and everybody will adjust. I've learned not to care too much” 

Elohor’s confidence is refreshing and should be mirrored by women who nurture this guilt. I hope women get to truly breathe and be themselves wherever they are without the constant weight of performance pulling us down.