The first time I heard God's voice clearly was last year. It was around the time I was seeking Him in different places, places I had no business being involved in. At that time, I honestly believed I was on the right path. However, as I continued down these paths, hoping to find God in various tight spots, my life became more complicated. I did what everyone else was doing; I focused on my horoscope and embraced my zodiac sign. Initially, it didn't seem significant, but it gradually occupied God's place in my life. I believed this form of spirituality would lead me to God or some truth. I was too willing to accept anything that mimicked Him because I lacked a true understanding of Him. During my turbulent adventures of seeking and failing, I was led to believe that there were various ways to God, but this was not true. I have now firmly decided to stick with the Christian God.

My background is Christian, like many others who have dabbled in horoscopes and other "harmless" spiritual practices. If you're “lucky”, you won't find out what it truly means to delve into zodiac signs. However, if you're sensitive like me, enduring, and hard-headed, you will. From horoscopes to crystals and incense, I found myself digging a hole. At that time, I was unaware of how deep this hole had become, but God was aware. Sleep paralysis and sleepless nights began to haunt me. Why was this happening? I was doing everything I could to get closer to God, yet the opposite was occurring. I felt rage and confusion. My dreams turned negative, and my atmosphere became thick and heavy; the air seemed to carry weight because I had invited the opposite of God into my life. Despite my efforts, where was God?

I soon found out where He was: looking at me in disappointment. As a Christian, I had no business even considering zodiac signs and tarot card readings. I hadn't recognized any of these things as witchcraft. At that time, I had convinced myself that He was nowhere to be found, and I was on my own. However, I was wrong, and I'm truly thankful for that. During one of my uncomfortable nights, I went to bed expecting sleep paralysis and any other negative encounter that came with it. I was right; I experienced sleep paralysis, but this time, an unfamiliar voice came with it. "I am not happy with you," is what I heard after a few seconds into the dry game of bondage and struggle sleep. "Who was that? Not the sleep paralysis demons talking to me," I thought. Deep down, I knew it was who I had been seeking: God.

He finally came, but He came to reprimand me. I felt both rage and was surprised at the sweet, relaxing, clear voice I heard. After all I had been through, that's all He had to say? Looking back now, it made sense. I had been turning to false gods in my search, and deep down, I should have known better. But sadly, I didn't. I had wrapped myself in lies, and even when I questioned it, I continued because I was tired of waiting for God. I was waking up just to read my horoscope, skipping my prayers. I used to pray a lot, and I used the same zeal I once had for God in my new shenanigans. Let's not forget that He is a jealous God. I thought, maybe I would receive a message from Him this way. Whether I want to admit it or not, those videos and morning alerts became my idol. You can become blind to the things you do "ignorantly" and fall victim to evil that seems harmless.

When God came, I expected thunder and lightning. I was going through a lot and needed Him to be that way for me. I had put Him in a box. I wasn't even willing to accept Him in the form He came to me. I expected a booming voice, loud, maybe even scary, different bolts of lightning showering down from the sky. I wanted a show because I felt He was absent. But He was calm, light, and soothing. I should have known this particular experience with the annoying bondage of the night was going to be different. Because I could observe more; typically, during sleep paralysis, you can't even move. Maybe just a few inches with your eyes. But on that day, my vision was clear, and I didn't feel much fear after a while. I just laid there, the temperature felt comfortable too. Of course, God was in the building, but I had become too disconnected from Him to recognize how His presence felt.

All this time I had been calling on Him, and He was nowhere to be found. Now He shows up, and all He has to say is that He is not happy with me. Really, me of all people. That's how I felt, not to mention I was conflicted; was that even really God? It would take a whole other experience for me to truly understand that the path I was on was wrong. My mistake was being too open, lenient, and accepting of foreign forms of spirituality. I am grateful that He let me know and pulled me out. The next time I heard His voice, it was another warning, but at least He didn't say He wasn't happy with me. Thank God, because it really hurt my feelings. 😂

“ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 ”

Pearl

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