I'm lost and in search of acceptance,

With a little bit of attention and love,

So I search diligently for a place I can call home

and someone to have as my everything.

I envy people that have someone they call theirs,

I look forward to having my own "Pillar that holds my life"

or maybe I will call him "My pure oxygen"

I haven't decided yet but I desire to have someone I can spend the lonely days and nights with, someone that cares, that's all my little heart ever wanted.

So I searched and searched,

Yes, I found some counterfeits here and there

You may be wondering how someone as desperate for love would know that the love I have found so far were counterfeits, well I just did, okay? It's my story don't judge me

My first love was alcohol

At first it was a loving relationship...He made me forget every worry and every issue in my life whenever I was with him

But the very next reality always came with a banging headache, reminding me of everything I forgot while with my first lover the previous day.

When the relationship became too toxic for me to beat, I broke up with him and went back in search for my next, and hopefully my last love, ah my true love!

That's how I moved on to my next relationship and he was amazing!

He always welcomed me with a nice feeling of highness

Drugs, my second lover.

He helped me cope by also making me forget and lose sight of everything going on in my life, but way better than alcohol my first love. He made me feel high at all times and happy too, but like alcohol he was not perfect at all. He made me lose everything; my money, health and my sense of direction in life.

So we had to part ways.

I felt more lost, sad, alone and unloved. Because it felt like this love of a thing was not for me, hence I would never find my true love. I started hearing voices in my head constantly reminding me of my faults,

my mistakes,

of how unlovable I am,

of how nobody cared about me...dead or alive.

So I decided to end it all and get the peace I have always craved...and that's what I did.

I listened to the voices in my head and gave in to their power. I gave up on love and myself, I felt there was nothing left in me to love and there was no love left in me to give.

So I got the poison, ready to end it all when I heard a knock on my door,

but because I didn't want anyone telling me lies, I refused to answer the door.

So now in my panic state, I quickly drank the sniper and at that same moment, my door burst open with my best friend and partner in crime coming into my room.

She quickly noticed that something was definitely not right then she saw the empty sniper container and me in serious pains,so she quickly raised alarm for help.

By the time help came, I had finally found a glimpse of the peace I had always wanted, because everything went black and the voices had stopped.

I woke up to an annoying beeping sound

With great struggle I opened my eyes and my body welcomed me with serious pains and the voices were also back, only this time they were mocking me, taunting me

I couldn't even do something as simple as ending my own life.

How much of a failure am I???

I heard my name and followed the voices with my eyes to see my best friend distraught and worried

But that wasn't what caught my attention

It was the fact that she felt and looked different.

She didn't look high or pale and skinny from the drugs and alcohol.

After the doctor did some check up on me while dropping some big news that made me more miserable, he said from the test they had to run on me they realized that I had AIDS and that the drug had damaged my womb. He left the room after dropping the news, leaving my best friend and me in the small ward alone.

After some painful minutes of silence, she said she had something important to tell me that was why she had stop by earlier and she was happy she came at the right time.

In my head I called her a busy body that disturbed my plans, then she said she wanted to introduce me to the person that changed her life for good.

She went on to tell me how he accepted her with her faults and how he showed her love that she had never experienced before now.

Written by 

Jacinta Obi (aka Purple 💜)