Phrases like, “Families don’t air their dirty linen in public,” “Don’t post your family matter for social media” or even “Don’t let strangers meddle in family affairs.” These are what make people, especially women and children, stay in abusive homes. Some schools of thought believe that “what happens in the family, stays in the family”.I don’t want to say I outright disagree with all these statements, but I do. And here is why.

I believe that family issues are community issues. We need to move away from this individualistic mindset to a community one. If something dirty is going on in a family, it should be the responsibility of the entire community to put an end to it.

A couple of years back, there was this story that went viral. About a girl who recorded her dad calling her a prostitute because she asked for a new phone.

A lot of people believed that she disgraced her family and that she gave room for her father to be insulted by strangers online. Of course, some other people were more supportive.

Now, I don’t know about you but calling one’s daughter a prostitute and verbally insulting her counts as emotional abuse. Imagine such words coming from someone you care about.

Should holding that father accountable not come before “protecting the family name?”Why do we as a society care more about keeping up appearances than we do about taking care of ourselves and each other? As though we don’t all have our own for body?

The answer is fear — fear of judgment, fear of standing out, fear of admitting our imperfections. We’ve built a society where having a ‘perfect family’ image matters more than having a healthy one.

Isn’t it ironic? We tell victims, ‘Don’t let strangers meddle in family affairs,’ yet we meticulously curate our family’s image for those very strangers on Instagram and Facebook. The hypocrisy!

Some say, “But if we air family problems, we’ll be seen as weak.”On the contrary, acknowledging a problem and being willing to be held accountable is the greatest strength.

Others worry, “People will use it against us and bring our family down”.I say, how is your family “up” if someone is being abused or if your life is at risk?

And what of our children? What are we teaching them? That making mummy and daddy look good trumps their safety. What do you think that will do for their psyche?

Inadvertently, we are grooming angry, adults. Adults who learned that appearances matter more than lives.

Some of these adults will become the monsters that silence made them endure. The son who was told that sometimes ‘your wife will do bad things, and it’s up to you to punish her’; becomes the wife-beater.

The daughter who was told that ‘your father hits your mother because he loves her’; grows up to tell her own daughter this poisonous lie.

Others might not become abusers, but they’ll be their unwitting allies. They’ll be the friends who say, ‘But he’s your husband; you can’t divorce.’ They’ll be the relatives who mutter, ‘She’s just seeking attention’ when a cousin speaks out. They’ll be the bystanders who, in the name of not ‘meddling in family affairs,’ let evil flourish.

And then there are those who break. The children who grew up swallowing their pain, forced to be complicit in their own abuse, all to keep up the family’s facade. Some will battle depression, anxiety, PTSD…

Others might turn to substance abuse, trying to numb the anger that was never allowed to be expressed. A few, tragically, may see suicide as the only escape from a family that feels like a beautifully decorated prison.

So, you see? When we say phrases like “Families don’t air their dirty linen in public,” “Don’t post your family matter for social media” or even “Don’t let strangers meddle in family affairs.” We are not protecting the sanctity of the family unit, rather we are protecting abusers and giving them room to flourish like a fungus in a moist room.

So, instead of ‘don’t air dirty laundry,’ say ‘speak up — dirty secrets grow in silence.’

Replace ‘keep it in the family’ with ‘family supports you, even against family.’

Don’t say ‘strangers shouldn’t meddle,’ say ‘sometimes strangers are the only ones who will.’

The next time someone comes to you with their familial problems don’t judge them for “airing dirty laundry”, and don’t say “But they’re your family” Instead, believe them completely and say, “I believe you.”