A few years ago, I was on the phone with my brother and upon ending the call, he said, “So, how do you feel about turning 18? What does it mean to you?”

I've never paid much mind to time, it was something I used to measure when to wake up for school and when to leave school. But I graduated months before and suddenly time was more prominent.

As I grew older, I came to realize that there just aren’t enough hours in a day to do everything. In my search for answers, I was met with concepts like ‘time management’ and ‘priorities’ — words that initially felt more overwhelming than helpful.

I just clocked another year and I’m still without answers, I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. Other than me being grateful that I’m still here after everything, I have no idea.

I spoke to some friends from high school yesterday morning, one of them who I had been closer to set it up. It was nice to see them again, some had graduated from university, some were close to graduating and it was almost like I could hear the clock over my head finally.

After a couple laughs or a latest development the words, “Omo, we’re old o,” drops.

Other than moments I had during my birthday, there’s no extra meaning, it’s a day that comes every year without fail, and it’s up to me to do something worthwhile or sit back and celebrate every year knowing that I’m not doing anything to change my situation.

In a bid to do something different this year, I took some pictures of myself. I started at 10:35 P.M. on the 28th, using a small ring light my mom bought me and a power bank to keep the light on. PHCN had decided not to give us light. The more pictures I took, the more I hated them, there wasn’t enough light. By 1:28 A.M. I gathered my things one by one, leaving my foil paper background behind.

I wasn’t going to try again, I felt a little down but I didn’t think about it too much, I was up for at least 30 minutes before I fell asleep. I awoke hours later with the mindset to do it but PHCN said no. PHCN 2:0 Maye.

My mom was ready to let me use the generator, she didn’t know what I wanted to do other than me yelling, “I want to take birthday pictures, Mom.” She didn’t understand why either but she agreed. I had breakfast a couple minutes after 12. Yes, I woke up late. The people who rush as soon as the “market” opens at 5 A.M. would curse me out.

During every meal, I watch an episode of “The Office”. I had stopped for a while after entering season 9 because it was too good to end. But it was time to say goodbye, and although my birthday gave me no choice, I got to choose when to say goodbye to my new comfort show.

I was done with breakfast but continued watching and my mom had gone to take a nap. I moved from the dining table to the room and lay down, watching and laughing. At some point, I took a nap and when I woke up, it was 4 P.M. And like every day before, I had gotten cold feet and slept instead.

I warm the car every evening so I set out to do just that and while I was in it my mind roamed and I decided I wanted to do it, I had to. For me. For the friend who had asked if I was taking studio pictures. For future reference.

It was a little past 7 and my mom asked if we needed the generator, and as though she was in my head following my conversation I yelled yes and quickly smiled when she looked at me with wide eyes.

When the generator came on and I started peeling the foil paper off the sitting room window and transferring it to the room with ceiling-to-floor wardrobes I realized I hadn’t eaten lunch. But the show must begin and then go on. When I finished carefully transferring it and not ripping any, it was past 8.

I felt the tiredness creeping in as my energy dipped — I needed food. So, I whipped up some sauce and spaghetti, finishing dinner well past 9. As I sat watching another episode, I convinced myself there was still time. I got everything set up and this time, I had my softbox and ring light.

After changing outfits, I tested a few sample shots, and they came out great. With the timer set and my phone connected to a Bluetooth shutter, I put on my game face and took some more.

This agbada is older than I am. I found it in my Dad’s wardrobe, I didn’t know who made it for him or why he chose this particular tie-dyed color. But my mom offered that it was the 90s.

I posted this to usher in a new day. I felt blessed and wanted to tease people. Who was I teasing at 3 A.M? My fellow owiwi (night owls).

I lay in bed, thanking people as the messages poured in, enjoying the sound of rain hitting the roof. It was a good day. It was quiet. And in that moment, it was all mine. I felt more connected to my birthday than I had in years.

These pictures will remind me, days to come, especially when the fear tries to creep up. I did this, I can do more.

So, to answer my brother's question: being given the grace to experience another year is wonderful. I'm happy. But it also means that before I leave, I must live. And I intend to make decisions, consequences be damned, because there aren't enough hours in a day to spend doubting myself.