By Vivian Oluchi
I was in my first year at university when I realised I was in love with my best friend. It was after watching a movie on Netflix titled ‘Let It Snow’. In the movie, a teenage girl was secretly in love with a girl she had just met, and in the end, she confessed her feelings. Fortunately for her, the feeling was mutual and they kissed. It was the same kiss that affirmed the feelings I had for my best friend.
She is a pretty girl with really nice lips that I wanted to kiss, and I also wanted to wrap my arms around her and feel her skin.
Even though my best friend is queer, I did not do any of this. I settled for writing her a note to express how I felt. Even in the note, I only told her about the movie and how much I liked being her best friend. I left the other parts out because I was not sure about how I felt. I still was not sure how I felt after the friendship ended a year later, but I love to think of her as the first woman I have fallen in love with.
With Nigeria being one of the countries that still criminalises homosexuality, I spoke to three lesbian couples who shared their journey to being openly queer despite living in Nigeria.
Ayo and Uyai
For Ayo, the realisation that she liked women wasn’t really shocking. “For me, it wasn’t really shocking per se because I realised I liked women when I was 22. When I was growing up, my aunt used to always say I was gay and it was always like an accusation. So, it’s always something I run away from,” she shares. “I felt disappointed that I haven’t been living my queer life. But in relation to that, I also felt a lot of guilt for the heterosexual relationships that I was in, just coming to this realisation that I had wasted everyone’s time, not just my own. That was very disappointing and also made me feel guilty. Apart from that, it was also very liberating, knowing this truth about myself. I was really excited to live the next phase of my life.”
Upon realising that they like women, they both share with me how they were able to handle those feelings regardless of living in Nigeria. “For me, honestly, when I realised that I was queer, the thought of me being Nigerian didn’t really cross my mind. It crossed my mind that I felt like I didn’t know a lot of other queer people in Nigeria, not because of my safety and I think it’s a result of privilege and the surroundings we were in. It didn’t seem like a threat to my day-to-day life. But when you are in a relationship, you think about it on a different scale. For example, you can’t kiss outside, you can’t hold hands, everything has to be hidden,” says Ayo.
Uyai shares the same sentiment, “I think the same applies to me. I don’t think that Nigeria was my first thought. I don’t think the homophobia in Nigeria was my first thought and I sort of acknowledge the privilege in being able to say that. It was more about my people, you know, my family, my friends — having this conversation with them. That was really what mattered to me at the time as opposed to Nigeria and homophobia.”
“I’d also say that I had also been getting all these ‘are you a man or woman’ questions before I even realised that I was queer. So I always just felt like Nigerians are ignorant,” Ayo adds.
They are not each other’s first lesbian love though. “I started dating women in 2016,” Ayo says. When asked about what they love about each other, Ayo replies and says, “I like how smart Uyai is, how caring she is and we just connect. I love how funny she is and the way she laughs. There are so many things, it’s not like one particular thing I can pinpoint but if I had to pick something, it’ll literally be her brain and how she thinks and how smart she is and how she dominates spaces.”
“I’m really fascinated by Ayo’s mind,” Uyai responds, “Her mind is so creative and so interesting, and it’s sort of pleasing to her taste in things, her taste in music – she puts us on to great music, [makes] really great food and because of this, it makes our relationship really interesting because we always have fresh things for us to do.”
She continues and says, “I love that we can communicate and I don’t feel that it’s easy. It’s never easy but we always make tough decisions and have difficult conversations. I really love that about us. I love how forgiving we are.” Ayo shares the same view as Uyai and adds, “I love how interesting our relationship is. We always look for creative things to do together. We also have similar goals. We want to travel, we also make films together. So like, we just click.”
Regarding their family, Uyai shares that they experience homophobia, “I don’t think it’s intentional most of the time because our families are accepting and loving and so, any homophobia we experience is usually due to ignorance. So we have to teach.”
“Our main plan is being lesbian aunties for as long as we possibly can,” Uyai continues, laughing. “Yeah, for us like, we just want to be the cool lesbian aunties. Uyai has a lot of siblings, I have a sister and I really just want to put all my love and affection into them, and because we also have plans on travelling the world, not necessarily moving anywhere. Just travel and explore and experience everything we can. So like, I don’t know where kids fit into that,” Ayo shares amidst laughter.
Celine and Favour
When asked how they felt when they realised they like women, Celine says she was unsure about how she felt, “I don’t know. I didn’t feel anything because deep down I was like I won’t take up this feeling, I’ll just admire in silence and move on.” In Favour’s case, she says loving women is freeing and at the time it felt like she finally knew where she belonged.
The couple share with me how they are able to navigate being queer while still living in a very queerphobic environment. “I just laid low at that time, admired secretly and never spoke about it”, Celine says. On the other hand, Favour has always been non-conforming and adds, “I didn’t think this would be any different, I forged ahead even more aware of my need to be careful but enjoyed my life all the same.”
I asked both partners about their previous relationships and they both tell me they’ve been in queer relationships before and they are not each other’s first queer love. But Celine adds that it’s with Favour that she’s able to experience some things for the first time, as a couple. When it comes to navigating their relationship, they share that it’s peaceful, “as long as communication is a priority,” Favour points out.
For Favour, her favourite things about Celine and her relationship with her is “how she loves me; tenderly and to the brim. Which in turn makes me love her more. Our relationship is unique as we have very different personalities. I’m the whirlwind and she’s the calm evening breeze. We complement each other and I learn so much from her every day, down to how to be a better human being.”
Celine says her favourite thing about Favour is the fact that she has a mind of her own, “and there's a healthy amount of everything in our lives – a great balance. I love it.”
“Our siblings found out, but no approval from anyone,” Celine answers when asked about her family’s support. “I'm fine living like this, it feels amazing that I can give and experience love in this magnitude. With my family, I just limit the knowledge of what happens in my relationship to them such as pictures or videos of myself and my love. I mean you can't judge what you don't know.” Favour is in the same family situation as Celine. “My parents know and don’t approve. My siblings know and I really don’t care if they approve or not, that’s literally their cup of tea. It helps that I’m the Ada so they really can’t move to me like that. It’s still hard living like this even with them knowing because now all they ask is ‘why her, why would you put her before your family?’ and yeah that’s my mom's voice,” she shares.
Sharing with me their future plans, both want to live together and travel around the world while doing what they love. “Our dream home, cars, vacations together, but one step at a time,” Celine adds.
Chinonso and Chioma
“I met my current partner four years ago when I was at my lowest. We met at a mutual friend’s house and we fought over a misunderstanding the first day I met her,” Chinonso shares. “We [had] come for an LGBTQ party,” Chioma chips in.
Chinonso, who comes from a Christian home, says when she realised she likes women, it was scary yet exciting, while for Chioma, it felt surprising and freeing. “I didn’t care about what society thinks about my sexuality. The only thing for me was making myself happy and living my truth as a gay person,” says Chioma.
Chinonso on the other hand, is in the closet and is keeping it away from her family.
When asked how they navigate their relationship, Chinonso says it’s tough being queer in Nigeria but fortunately for them, “It’s been good and awesome, though every relationship has [its]ups and downs, we always found a way to settle our differences and misunderstandings and that makes us stronger,” Chioma adds.
“My partner is my happiness. I love how she’s so beautiful. I love her food because she’s the best cook and her personality. I dream of her in colours that don’t exist!” For Chinonso, “She has the most beautiful soul and heart I have ever met in a woman in this lifetime and the way she loves me back selflessly and also looks up to me,” Chioma shares.
“Yes, my mom, my sister, and most of my friends know. I don’t think my mom approves but she has not been hostile towards me or my woman because we are lesbians. My sister is supportive and so are my friends,” Chinonso answers when asked about her family’s knowledge and approval of their relationship. Chioma’s family is aware, but only her brother approves. And because the parents don’t approve and the couple has spoken about eloping.
“Since my mom is finding it difficult because she still wants her first daughter to get married to a man, I had to move out from my family home to start my own home with my partner and the love of my life. That way, I save my mom from the heartbreak of seeing us together and it also helps me not to be too sad at myself that my mom doesn’t approve of us,” Chinonso shares.
When asked about their future, Chinonso talks about how having children with her partner in Nigeria may be unsafe, “The future is bright and I always stay positive about the future. We plan to move to a country that is safe for LGBTQ people like us, so we can live in peace and harmony, and also for the safety of our kids because having gay parents in Nigeria can be overwhelming for our kids if they’re to be born and raised here in Nigeria. We are going to have two or three kids by God’s grace.”