Author: Naila Aroni
“Friendship is perhaps the most liberal form of relationship we have in our current world”, says May Nakyanzi, a professional holistic living & healing coach and worker, in conversation with AMAKA. “It’s the best example of a chosen family that’s motivated by intuition and feeling and isn’t touched by forces like classism and patriarchy that are often reinforced in familial or romantic relationships”. May’s description of the sacredness and beauty of friendship brings to mind the video of Oprah describing her relationship with Gayle King, a treasured social media relic that Black women worldwide have found to be widely resonant. “She is the mother I never had. She is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don’t know a better person.”
From beloved celebrity friend couples like Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods (pre-breakup) to the commodification of female friendships in Hollywood blockbusters like Girls Trip, it’s clear that society and pop culture accurately appreciate the sanctity of female friendships. “But rarely, if ever, do we talk about the other side: Friendship breakups, even though the wounds they leave behind can clamor at us for years,” explains Hayley Krischer to ELLE, author of The Falling Girls, a novel exploring toxic friendships. Krischer is right. In romantic relationships, we’ve been supplemented with tools about how to navigate trauma and loss, but there is a scarcity of discourse and resources about how to end, grieve, and heal from platonic relationships.
As friendships are both complicated and unique, ending a friendship that is no longer nurturing varies by context. In one situation, you might feel like failed communication has a big part to play because you or your friend are not transparently translating your needs, boundaries, and expectations to each other.
In another instance, often referred to as a one-sided friendship, you may feel like your efforts towards sustaining the relationship are not being reciprocated. In more intense situations, you might feel anxious every time you plan to meet, or you might feel like you are working harder than usual to sustain the friendship. Regardless of what pushes you to finally pull the plug, if you simply don’t feel good enough about how the friendship makes you feel, that’s reason enough to part ways.
When it comes to initiating a friendship, you owe it to yourself and your friend to have a clean breakup whenever possible so you don’t inflict more hurt on one another. “I’m a firm believer of good closings. It’s important to part ways when you still have love or care for each other so you can retain integrity and compassion,” Nakyanzi shares. “It’s not about blaming or accusing. It’s about communicating that you are no longer able to sustain the relationship or that your needs are no longer being met.”
As there is no quick-fix or exemplary way you can relay your desire to end a friendship, Nakyanzi recommends saying something along these lines, in your own words, in whatever format your friend would appreciate, e.g., a letter or conversation in person. “I’d like to let go of you and this friendship from a place of care. I wish you all the best, and I’ll still be rooting for you, even if we’re not friends.”
Letting go of a friendship doesn’t start and end with the act of ending a friendship itself. You’ll often experience an intensity of emotions during the grieving or aftermath stage similar to what you experienced at the root of conflict. Although coping with this loss is hard, it’s definitely not impossible. Practicing mindfulness and self-care can incrementally remedy this loss. You can journal, pick up a hobby, or speak to trained professionals such as a therapist or life coach. “Give space for your sadness. It’s very helpful to make note of what you’re taking with you: how did you grow as a person because of this experience or relationship? What have you learned that you are going to change moving forward?” Nakyanzi recommends. “Avoid feeling like you need to replace the space that person took up in your life. Meeting people and forming relationships is a once-in-a lifetime experience that will never be replicated. Let go of this pressure for yourself and for your future friends who will never replace this friend.”
But what if time passes, the dust has settled, and you desire to rekindle the friendship? “You need to take into account why the friendship ended. Why did you break up? How do you currently feel about this person? Is there accountability? All of these things should be taken into account and addressed in some way,” Nakyanzi says. After you and your friend address these issues and give each other clear expectations about how you’d like the friendship to be, you can give each other another fighting chance to meet those expectations.
Overall, Nakyanzi points out that one of the greatest things a friendship breakup can teach us is to be more intentional about our friendships as part of the growing pains of early adulthood. As children or young adults, we often made friends out of circumstance, like people we went to school with or people we grew up with. Yet, as adults, we have more life experience and knowledge to choose who to bring into our lives. “People say that if you don’t set your intentions yourself, that decision will be made for you. Take a proactive role in the friendships you nurture. Think about how you want to build a community of kinship based on shared values. Once you recognise that, you will begin to attract relationships that feel most authentic.”