Tamika Haywood is no stranger to the hallowed corridors of success in the American entertainment business.
Popularly known in industry circles as DJ MIIIKS (she/her), this respected multihyphenate is a creative “Jill of all trades” and seemingly a master of all. Her talent has taken her to professional heights that any modern creative would dream of in Hollywood. With A-list celebrities such as Hip-Hop legend Missy Elliot, Janet Jackson, Issa Rae, Ciara and Saweetie already on her star-studded client roster, the acclaimed performance artist has always used her bold creativity and powerful voice to inspire others.
To the rest of the world, she had it all, and the sky was her floor. However, those outstanding achievements were often ominously shadowed by depressive episodes and acutely emotional lows that destabilized her world as she knew it. Struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel, a new journey of self-discovery emerged for Haywood after an official clinical diagnosis of bipolar disorder came in 2016.
In her first interview since her bipolar disorder diagnosis, DJ MIIIKS speaks to AMAKA in detail about her unique and divine path, and her newfound energy to fully live and immerse herself and others in her truth on- and offline, and more.
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.
There’s a medical definition of bipolar disorder, but can you give me your definition based on your lived experiences?
My definition of bipolar disorder is “mood-shift”. It is a lack of control over mood shifts and maintaining balance with your mood shifts. It is all about trying to find a balance because you’re not like most people. When you’re reacting to something that puts you into a mood, you’re just reacting to yourself. One day you wake up feeling lethargic, and another day you can feel on top of the world and want to accomplish everything under the sun in one day. So it’s about healthily maintaining your moods.
Tell me about the leadup to your bi-polar disorder diagnosis. What propelled you to that point of seeking professional guidance? What were those signs?
I was spiralling into a really deep depression in 2016. I lost a lot of friends around that time and I felt really hopeless. I had suicidal ideations and I knew that it was time to seek therapy, talk to someone and get the help I needed. Ironically enough, I was very successful in my career at that time.
Who were you working with at the time that was driving your success forward?
I was working with Jennifer Hudson, Lil’ Kim, and The Blondes for their Fashion Week Events on a regular basis. I was just doing a lot of notable events for a lot of celebrities and getting all of the acclaim. But I was super unhappy.
What did your day-to-day look like before the diagnosis in comparison to after?
Before the diagnosis, I didn’t have much of a routine so to speak. I woke up every day, had breakfast, sent emails for work, focused on DJ commitments and let the day go to where it could go depending on my schedule for work. I also spent a lot of time on social media and didn’t realize how much it was affecting my mental wellness In terms of how I moved, thought, and interacted with people and myself, The difference now is that I journal a lot. I have a manifestation journal for my thoughts. Now, I spend 5 minutes a day on social media. I find that a lot of the things that distracted me I don’t implement in my daily life anymore so it makes a big difference.
Did you have a support system after the diagnosis?
I had close friends who did the best that they could to help. But bipolar disorder isn’t only hard on the person that has the diagnosis, but also on their family members and close friends. It’s something that everybody has a hard time coping with because the fight for control is really hard. I had a group of close friends that I really leaned on, along with a few family members who were in the medical field that would help me. But it was hard on everyone.Now that I am in a better space of communicating when I’m going through hardships, I have people who see, understand and work with me. Now that I’ve done the work in therapy and better able to communicate what’s going on, it’s gotten better.
Do you ever feel loss is constantly in the foreground because of your experience with bipolar disorder? And how do you navigate?
Loss for me is fully understanding that not everyone who knows about your diagnosis will stay. I constantly deal with the fact that there’s a very good chance that if I befriend, fall in love with someone, or gravitate towards family members, they might not stay around because of the not-so-great side of my diagnosis. Overcoming the thoughts of being a burden and understanding that your diagnosis isn’t the reason why people leave was evolutionary. And if they can’t handle you at your worst, they weren’t supposed to be there.
What’s the most challenging aspect of being diagnosed?
Speaking on it! People are always going to judge. When this interview comes out, there will be some that show support and love, but others will judge. You have to fully understand that it’s not your business. They don’t know you “about”, or your goals or the big strides that you’ve made. We are extremely gifted and if we fully put that at the forefront of bipolar disorder regularly, the world would be a different place. Healing is a never-ending journey.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about bipolar disorder in the Black Community?
That you’re “crazy”! Sometimes your giftedness can show up in a way that the world doesn’t understand. It’s for you to love yourself more so that you can find a way to shine how you’re supposed to.
Do you think it was particularly challenging to manage the diagnosis within the Caribbean experience as a woman of Caribbean heritage?
I was born in Brooklyn, New York, but most of my family was Guyanese. So I eat, lived, and breathed Guyanese culture. It was all that I knew for a very long time. My connection with Caribbean life really allowed me to see a lack of understanding of how mental disorders work. We didn’t know how to better communicate our feelings, what we’re supposed to do, and what we’re not supposed to do. It was tricky growing up. “Spare the rod, spoil the child” is a common saying in Caribbean culture, and so is “I’ll give you something to cry for” – referring to corporal punishment and physical discipline. One of the things that was never really a topic of conversation was mental wellness or emotions in our home. Of course, the family loves you, we love each other but we don’t really discuss how we feel. And that was hard for me because I’m a very sensitive and emotional person. I was like this even before the diagnosis. That personality trait isn’t welcomed all the time and it was counterproductive to my growth and wellness with this diagnosis. As a Caribbean community, we still have a lot to.
What is your proudest career achievement to date?
I’ve got a lot! (laughs).The first moment that told me “I’ve arrived here” was when I DJ’d at the New York Premiere of the Netflix film “The Harder They Fall”, executive produced by Shawn Corey “Jay Z” Carter. I was handpicked by the Roc Nation team to play an opening set right before Young Guru, Jay Z’s right hand in terms of production. I got to shake Jay Z’s hand and as somebody from Brooklyn and as a big fan, that was a pivotal moment.The second moment would be DJ-ing for Balmain. I’m their go-to girl now when they have events, which is surreal because 10 years ago, I was trying to recreate some of their looks in my room. The third moment would be the first time I ever DJ’d. I was at what is formerly known as Moe’s Tavern on a Monday night, with 3 people in that bar.. The reason it was pivotal was that one of the women at the bar, alone, and I started playing “I Wanna Be Where You Are” by Jackson 5. That woman left her drink, got up from the bar, closed her eyes and just danced for 3 minutes – and whatever happy place she went to… I realised that this was my gift to the world.
What tangible and necessary steps can we take as the Black community to open the dialogue on mental health disorders?
Giving ourselves grace and making a big effort to speak positively about ourselves daily. Affirmations are so important because your words have power. “Watch your mouth,” a friend told me a few months ago. You need to watch what you say to yourself and what you put into the Universe.Your words have power. Whatever you want or desire in this world, speak as if it’s happening right now.