"No, we fell in love." Jenna Jones, played by Gabrielle Union in 'Perfect Find'.
I can't believe that I have watched this movie a number of times. I love the aesthetic, as well as my romance with New York City. I dream of New York! But the theme of Netflix's 'Perfect Find' had me thinking of a real life experience. My experience!
What are the odds of a woman of a specific age falling for a man over a decade younger than herself? When it comes to dating, society loves to put people in boxes based on age, race, and gender, among other criteria. They say that women should date older men and that a successful black woman should only be with someone who matches her accomplishments. While we would love to follow the rules, the script of life itself challenges professors in film school. Don't believe me? The proverbial age ain't nothing but a number can pull a rug under you and challenge societal norms, whether you are ready for it or not.
Let me tell you a not-so-once-upon-a-time story. When I first met him, I never imagined that my crush on this younger man would lead to anything more. Yet, here I am, immersed in the joys and challenges of a possible unconventional relationship, navigating the complexities of age dynamics and societal expectations. I have often found myself questioning the compatibility and social acceptance of our bond. But as I delve into the nuances of this taboo subject, I realise that love knows no age boundaries or societal conventions. Still, if only age was just a number.
It all began innocently enough—a harmless attraction that quickened my pulse and brightened my days. Little did I know that he, too, felt that spark ignite within him. But there was a catch: my age, among other hurdles. The moment he expressed his interest to a mutual friend, I could sense his hesitation, his embarrassment, and the ever-looming societal judgement that hangs over these types of relationships.
The Struggles of Societal Expectations
In black and specifically African societies, the topic of older woman-younger man relationships is often met with raised eyebrows and disapproving whispers. The stereotype of an older woman preying on a younger man or the suspicion that the man may be using his partner for financial gain is deeply ingrained. There's the perception that the older woman is perhaps desperate, as men who are age-appropriate no longer look at her as a prospective mate. And as for the younger man, financial challenges as seen in the current economic environment, he is pushed to earn a living through his much older, female partner.
In addition, if the younger man falls for the older woman, she's perceived as using a form of manipulation and even putting a spell on him. And as I write, I hear Nina Simone's voice sing, "I Put a Spell on You", playing in the background. These prejudices shackle us, preventing the exploration of genuine connections and true love.
Lest we forget the name-calling when it comes to the younger man, He is called a toy boy, sugar baby, cub, or Ben 10. Yes, you read the last one right. Further supporting the notion that the older woman is preying on the younger man instead of viewing him as an equal partner. Or someone with whom she could have a healthy, mature, and fulfilling bond.
The Sting of Rejection:
Learning about his reluctance to pursue a relationship due to my age hurt more than I care to admit. It begged the question: Should the age gap matter in matters of the heart? We're often told that age is just a number, but is it truly that simple? Do we really have control over who we fall for? Or are we bound by societal norms that dictate whom we should love?
Examining Successful Relationships:
Looking at successful couples like the late Tina Turner and Erwin Bach, who challenged society's expectations and norms, we see that love knows no boundaries. Their love story triumphed over societal judgement and the significant age gap between them. It forces us to reconsider our own biases and question whether we should embrace the nuances of relationships that defy societal expectations.
Like any relationship, there are pros and cons, regardless of age. In our culture (and I mean across the board), men have always been expected to be older. The main reason is financial security. As popularised in pop culture, the socially acceptable age difference between partners is based on a mathematical formula. For a man, he dates someone half his age plus seven to define the minimum age of a partner. The normally accepted age difference between a woman and a man, with the man being older, is generally 10–20 years by our society’s standards.
Celebrities, who tend to be both inspiration and cautionary tales, have proved that the older woman-younger man age gap could work, to some extent. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon had a 10-year age gap. Mariah even shared the dynamics of her relationship with Nick in her song 'Love Story', but the marriage didn't last. On the other hand, Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade, who also have a 10-year age difference, have been together for fourteen years and married for nine of those years.
Far from the magnified lives of celebrities, there have been some successful older woman-younger man relationships. Like any relationship, it is important to value connection, maturity, and a shared vision. An older woman may bring maturity, stability, and life experience to the table, while a younger man may infuse enthusiasm, vitality, and a fresh perspective. However, it is fundamentally important to balance these benefits with open communication, shared values, and the ability to grow and evolve together.
Conclusion:
While society may attempt to dictate who we should love, it is up to us to challenge these norms and foster meaningful connections. Age, as it turns out, is truly just a number. Relationships should not be bound by conventional expectations, and the older woman-younger man dynamic should be treated as a normal relationship deserving of respect and understanding. Let's embrace the complexities, debunk the taboos, and focus on what truly matters: connecting with someone who sees our worth beyond societal constraints. Remember 'How Stella Got Her Groove Back'?